Beautiful

I want something but I don't know what it is.  I have eaten. I drank water. I slept.  But I am still ravenous.  There is something inside of me that wants, and wants, and wants.  Sometimes I am able to keep myself distracted enough that I don't hear its clamor and sometimes even when I do, I'm just too numb to care.  But it's still there, growling, "Is this all there is?"  "You're running out of time." "You are not enough."  "You are LACKING."  And I think about how old I am and what is happening in the world around me and I wonder what else I'm supposed to be feeling right now.  There is so much beauty and love and suffering and despair in this plane. I want to absorb and absolve all of it, but it surrounds me like a vast sea that I'll never be able to drink.  Someone died. Someone was born. Others just exist in the liminal horror of the 9-5. The cycle restarts at irregular intervals, and I wat...

  This is the story of how I left the system of belief that I was raised in.  Nobody online has asked me about my faith or deconstructive process, but since it is part of the most extensive and positive change in my life, I want to document it.  I want to start by clarifying something. This is not a crisis of faith. It is a collapse of meaning that has been happening gradually since I was a child and has become more conscious and overt over the last 2-3 years.  There are parts of me that echo arguments I've heard or even used myself. They ask, "God wasn't the one who hurt you. Why are you turning your back on God just because church people hurt you?" "This is just a normal part of growth as a Christian...sometimes people walk away from God, but he is always there waiting to welcome them back."  "You need to learn how to forgive the people who hurt you."  "God loves you, no matter how far you've wandered from him."  And then there are ...