Beautiful

I do not pretend to be strong.  We both know my weaknesses, You best of all.  I am mostly blind.  But I've seen you, and how you fight.  I've seen the patterns.  You've tried to destroy me with chaos,  Depression Anxiety Betrayal Rejection Confusion Criticism Numbness Apathy Anger  Pain  Lust And you've won many battles.  Left me lying on the ground, completely shattered, destroyed with shame.  Or drugged, wandering in a glittery world of lies.  Whatever keeps me off my feet and out of the fight.  But I still keep on getting up, And trying to fight you.  I've regenerated a thousand times.  And each time I stumble to my feet I end up crumbling back into dust. Because that's where I came from and that's what I'll return to. You know that because you remind me, in between the times you try to deceive me with illusions of perfection.  But He doesn't do ...

We searched all night, shining our flashlights into the dense forest. I scanned the ground, often seeing your tracks travel a distance and then disappear mysteriously. Where did you go? What happened to you? I heard your voice calling to me, and then falling silent as I neared. I gave up in frustration so many times, only to hear your faint whisper again. It haunted me. I couldn't sleep for days. Couldn't think of anything else but finding you. The hours of searching long into the night were tormenting me, killing me. Others thought I was crazy. I wondered too. I dreamed I would find you, and we would walk out of the forest together. Our hands linked, swinging together in rhythm. This was my prayer. And one day I caught a glimpse of you through the trees. You reached out to me. And with my barely healed heart in my hands I stepped forward, only to see you disappear again before my eyes. And then, your voice drifted through the undergrowth, telling me to leave. I kne...

In my dreams I saw you. You were empty. A darkness pulsed in your chest, The indication of a soul in pieces. And you were aware, yet unaware of it. Sometimes you bled, sometimes you snarled. More often, you distracted. With the screen Friends God Dreams I longed to help you; I wanted to shine light into your soul, But you didn't want the light. It was too real. You wanted a drug. Something to dull the pain You couldn't admit was there. So I settled to be your opiate. The silk of my skin was your morphine, The brush of my fingers your escape. My embrace numbed your pain. You'll never forget the way I made you feel, because it soothed and comforted you for a brief moment Before the pain flooded back in. But morphine cannot sew a shredded soul back together. I settled for being a drug when I wanted to be something impossible. I wanted to heal you. Instead, I needed to heal, myself.

Part of the Pacific Crest Trail begins on the left side of the road there We hiked the trail for about a mile to reach our climb Apparently even July heat doesn't melt all the snow up here! A wide place in the trail, looking back at the summit Woww! The PCT has some incredible views Looking down at the loopy switchbacks and even farther down to the lake nestled below You can just see the entrance of a train tunnel that is now a walking path It's hard to imagine the Donner party trying to get across here in the wintertime I'm sure there are several routes on this rock, but it's not where we climbed At the top with Karl! I didn't climb in Chacos, but I wanted to take a Chaco picture at the top. : ) My dad and his friend Karl Wilcox looking up at a route beside where they decided to climb. We had to cross the snowbank to access the route we did.  These pictures are from July of 2017, when my dad, his friend Karl an...

I didn't have much time, but I had several things to do. So I thought carefully about what I should choose.  Efficiency is my game, and strategy is the way I play it.  I had just set a cup of tea to brew, and as I waited to drink it, I deliberated between cleaning the bathroom and working on a painting.  Decision, decisions.  What would you pick?  As I pondered the pros and cons, I figured, "I might as well clean the bathroom while I'm thinking about what to choose."  And soon the job was done and I was free to paint.  And it struck me that I've gotten a lot of unpleasant jobs done that way. I just go ahead and do them while I'm trying to decide if I should do it or not.  Might as well put in grades while I'm figuring out what to do . Might as well clean the house.  Might as well stop by Goodwill to drop off some clothes while I'm thinking about if I should go or not.  Might as well.  The brain ...

Hawks are becoming one of my favorite animals. When I was a kid, I devoured a book series about a boy who leaves the city to live in a giant tree in upstate New York, and gentles a baby Peregrine falcon who becomes his friend and hunts with him. He lives simply, staying away from people and using the resources nature offers him to live peacefully. That boy was my hero. I didn't grow up in an area with redwoods or falcons, but I often ran into the woods, scouting for hawks and trees to live in. Since then, I've been curious about the birds of prey that live in my area of the United States. The most common one is the Red-Tailed Hawk and I quickly learned to recognize its flying silhouette and shrill scream. Now when I drive to work, I pass through the territory of a beautiful Red-Tailed Hawk, and I occasionally glimpse him perching somewhere or swooping into a field. The hawk is a solitary, thoughtful bird. He doesn't live with a flock of friends. He's always by ...