Me, Stubborn?
I am now sitting on my porch, playing with one of the cutest little boys ever. I don't know what his name is, but he's about four years old, and has a bone disease that makes him extremely fragile. He's been living on the porch for the past few days, sleeping, eating, playing, everything. Never leaves, because he can't walk. Both of his legs were recently broken as he fell out of a hammock. Now he's just waiting, uncasted, untreated, for his legs to heal. There's nothing else they can do for him.
He chatters to me in Karen, and though I can only understand a very few words of what he says, we're getting along pretty well. He's been fitting puzzle pieces together and showing them to me to see if he's doing it right. He holds a few ill-fitting pieces up and then laughs when I smile at him. His teeth are black in the front from beetle-nut (why would anyone give that to a little kid like him?), but his smile is so charming that you can't help but laugh back at him.
Every time I walk back to my hut from wherever I've been, I hear a little voice call, "Teesha!"
and then he talks to me until I get up the stairs. I like having him around; he's a bright spot in our lives. I think living with us, he's also getting the best treatment in his whole life. His family are villagers who worship the spirits. Every time they come up to spend time with him, I marvel at the difference between them and the students and staff at Sunshine Orchards. The fear and dread in their eyes shows that they are living in bondage to the devil, whereas the peace and joy on the students' faces shows that they are free in Jesus. It's a marked difference.
Anyhow, that's what I'm doing right now. Little Guy is starting to get sleepy, although he's still showing me puzzle pieces.
Now to what I've been thinking about.
Recently, a great friend told me that I'm stubborn.
At first I thought, Me, stubborn? He's only saying that because he doesn't known how much of people-pleaser I am.
I tossed it off easily as a misinformed comment.
But as time went on, I realized that what he said was absolutely true. I am stubborn. Actually, I'm really really stubborn.
It just depends on what I want to be stubborn about.
It came to me while I was going through the post-weekend anxiety of anticipating the start of the new week. I was wondering why I was so low energy, and just didn't feel like doing anything. I couldn't think straight, couldn't focus on anything. It seemed like sleep was the only thing on my mind, but when I lay down to try to sleep, I couldn't stop my mind from spinning like a skipping CD.
There was absolutely no relief. I wanted to be a hermit, and run away from my life because I felt like no one understood me.
But then, as I was desperately praying one morning before class, I remembered something I learned from one of my canvassing leaders.
It was last year, while I was canvassing in Florida. I was the head cook for that program, and had the challenge of working with very limited space and limited time at an early hour of the day. I've never been one to voluntarily or compulsorily wake up early (another manifestation of stubbornness, probably), so this was an enormous task, just waking up early. On top of that, I had to canvass the rest of the day, which is another huge task. I didn't think I could do it.
One day, on the way to territory, my leader dropped our team off to blitz a little section of businesses. I was on a team with fairly new canvassers, so I was the veteran that got the big strip of businesses, while most of them did nearby houses. That was a day that I was feeling especially hermitish, and when she dropped me off and told me to make the businesses last, I hopped out rather unhappily and waited until she left. Then I went under a tree and started wrestling with my thoughts.
I can't do this. She knows I don't like big businesses, and especially parking lots. I'm too tall, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not friendly enough, I don't want to talk to anyone, everyone will be afraid of me, I'm not going to sell any books, this is unfair...etc.
After a few minutes of hiding under the tree and shuddering at the people driving by and staring at me, I called my leader and asked her to move me. After a while, she came and picked me up. Instead of taking me somewhere else and putting me back out again, she parked the van and turned to me,
"Raquel, I can move you to where you want to be, but I'm afraid that you will never learn what God is trying to teach you. I notice that you have energy for the things you want to do, but for the things you don't want to do, you have nothing. You will never experience growth in your life if you don't learn to put 100% into whatever you are doing."
I knew she was right, but I needed to think about it. She dropped me off in a neighborhood to meet Josiah, who had only started canvassing a few days before that. He looked surprised when he saw me, and I was kicking myself inside. I shouldn't be here. I should be back out there. He's faithfully doing what he was given to do, and I should be doing that, too.
It seemed like nobody answered the door in that neighborhood, so I had a lot of time to think.
I applied the two questions that I normally always use to balance my feelings:
If my best friend was here would I be happier?
Yes!
If I could be doing what I love to do, would I have energy?
Yes.
Ok, so obviously there is nothing wrong with me. I just don't want to be here.
I'm discontent.
Since that program, I decided to dedicate 100% of myself to whatever I was doing, whether it was something I wanted to do, or not. My leader's advice marked a turning point in my life.
I decided to strive.
What does that have to do with being stubborn? A lot. Because when I decide that I want to do something, (forgive my Kentuckian here) there sure ain't nothin gonna get in my way.
When I don't wanna do somethin, there sure ain't nobody gonna make me.
That's a trademark of a real Kentuckian, by the way. We're sweet as sugar most the time, but we'll sink our heels in like a mule or fight like a wildcat if you try to force us. We're ready to bend over backwards for you, but if you try to make us do something we don't wanna do...you might as well give up before you try. It's just not gonna work out for you.
For example:
If someone tries to get me to work out, I sure do not want to work out, and I have no strength. It I want to work out, I am extraordinarily stronger than usual.
If I am working with horses, I somehow have the strength to pull 12 hour work days in the summer heat, waking at 5:00 in the morning and not going to sleep until 12:00 at night. If I were not working with horses, there's no way I could work that hard.
If I want to win a violin competition, I'll practice 2 hours at a stretch, no problem. Otherwise, practice is unbearable.
If I'm writing in my journal, I can throw out a good 9 single-space pages at a time. If I have to write a 5 page double-spaced term paper, it's like the bane of my existence.
If I want to do something, I'm going to do it. That's all there is to it. Nothing can stop me short of God, or wise counsel. Not that I'm aggressively stubborn, I'll just quietly do what I want to do. You may not realize what I'm doing, but I'm doing things my way.
But if I don't want to do something -oh my. It's like trying to pull Excalibur out of the stone.
I am realizing just how strong-willed I am. I always thought I was a push-over because I'll do nearly anything to please. But if I don't want to please...the job isn't going to get even 60% of my effort. I won't really be there, I won't really participate.
As I lay on the floor just before class, pleading with God to give me the energy and strength to teach, He interrupted me.
Hey, why don't you just decide to do this? You're fighting this like someone's forcing you. You wanted to come here, remember? What about giving Me your 100% and trusting Me to make up for the rest you lack?
But I can't even think straight!! What can I-
Just do it.
Ok.
So I decided to give it my best shot. I went to class, feeling like I was in a dream, but I went.
Classes ran smoothly, though I really was not able to put one thought in front of another. I taught class, and God helped me to do what I couldn't do, because I chose to try.
Maybe God's letting me hit the wall over and over again until I realize that I need to hitch my willpower to His will. He's letting me experience what happens when my strength runs out as I do my own will, and it's not comfortable. It's a lesson that I've been re-learning for the longest time, probably -you guessed it - because I'm so awfully stubborn.
So, yes, I see it now. Thanks for telling me straight-up. It took me a while to get it, but I understand now.
I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me to do His will, if I choose.
I choose.
He chatters to me in Karen, and though I can only understand a very few words of what he says, we're getting along pretty well. He's been fitting puzzle pieces together and showing them to me to see if he's doing it right. He holds a few ill-fitting pieces up and then laughs when I smile at him. His teeth are black in the front from beetle-nut (why would anyone give that to a little kid like him?), but his smile is so charming that you can't help but laugh back at him.
 |
| Little Guy. Even his picture makes me smile. |
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| Isn't he amazing? Could you smile like that if both your legs were broken? |
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| La La Mu and Thara Eh K' Naw's daughter |
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| The three girls wanted me to "make pictures" of them with their stickers |
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| La La Mu. She's my favorite kid so far. She's tiny, but she's made out of steel. |
 |
| I don't know her name but she's awful cute |
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| Ju-Ju. She posed herself, btw. |
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| The three girls and the motorbike. I think Ju-Ju is giving the I-Love-You sign. |
Every time I walk back to my hut from wherever I've been, I hear a little voice call, "Teesha!"
and then he talks to me until I get up the stairs. I like having him around; he's a bright spot in our lives. I think living with us, he's also getting the best treatment in his whole life. His family are villagers who worship the spirits. Every time they come up to spend time with him, I marvel at the difference between them and the students and staff at Sunshine Orchards. The fear and dread in their eyes shows that they are living in bondage to the devil, whereas the peace and joy on the students' faces shows that they are free in Jesus. It's a marked difference.
Anyhow, that's what I'm doing right now. Little Guy is starting to get sleepy, although he's still showing me puzzle pieces.
Now to what I've been thinking about.
Recently, a great friend told me that I'm stubborn.
At first I thought, Me, stubborn? He's only saying that because he doesn't known how much of people-pleaser I am.
I tossed it off easily as a misinformed comment.
But as time went on, I realized that what he said was absolutely true. I am stubborn. Actually, I'm really really stubborn.
It just depends on what I want to be stubborn about.
It came to me while I was going through the post-weekend anxiety of anticipating the start of the new week. I was wondering why I was so low energy, and just didn't feel like doing anything. I couldn't think straight, couldn't focus on anything. It seemed like sleep was the only thing on my mind, but when I lay down to try to sleep, I couldn't stop my mind from spinning like a skipping CD.
There was absolutely no relief. I wanted to be a hermit, and run away from my life because I felt like no one understood me.
But then, as I was desperately praying one morning before class, I remembered something I learned from one of my canvassing leaders.
It was last year, while I was canvassing in Florida. I was the head cook for that program, and had the challenge of working with very limited space and limited time at an early hour of the day. I've never been one to voluntarily or compulsorily wake up early (another manifestation of stubbornness, probably), so this was an enormous task, just waking up early. On top of that, I had to canvass the rest of the day, which is another huge task. I didn't think I could do it.
One day, on the way to territory, my leader dropped our team off to blitz a little section of businesses. I was on a team with fairly new canvassers, so I was the veteran that got the big strip of businesses, while most of them did nearby houses. That was a day that I was feeling especially hermitish, and when she dropped me off and told me to make the businesses last, I hopped out rather unhappily and waited until she left. Then I went under a tree and started wrestling with my thoughts.
I can't do this. She knows I don't like big businesses, and especially parking lots. I'm too tall, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not friendly enough, I don't want to talk to anyone, everyone will be afraid of me, I'm not going to sell any books, this is unfair...etc.
After a few minutes of hiding under the tree and shuddering at the people driving by and staring at me, I called my leader and asked her to move me. After a while, she came and picked me up. Instead of taking me somewhere else and putting me back out again, she parked the van and turned to me,
"Raquel, I can move you to where you want to be, but I'm afraid that you will never learn what God is trying to teach you. I notice that you have energy for the things you want to do, but for the things you don't want to do, you have nothing. You will never experience growth in your life if you don't learn to put 100% into whatever you are doing."
I knew she was right, but I needed to think about it. She dropped me off in a neighborhood to meet Josiah, who had only started canvassing a few days before that. He looked surprised when he saw me, and I was kicking myself inside. I shouldn't be here. I should be back out there. He's faithfully doing what he was given to do, and I should be doing that, too.
It seemed like nobody answered the door in that neighborhood, so I had a lot of time to think.
I applied the two questions that I normally always use to balance my feelings:
If my best friend was here would I be happier?
Yes!
If I could be doing what I love to do, would I have energy?
Yes.
Ok, so obviously there is nothing wrong with me. I just don't want to be here.
I'm discontent.
Since that program, I decided to dedicate 100% of myself to whatever I was doing, whether it was something I wanted to do, or not. My leader's advice marked a turning point in my life.
I decided to strive.
What does that have to do with being stubborn? A lot. Because when I decide that I want to do something, (forgive my Kentuckian here) there sure ain't nothin gonna get in my way.
When I don't wanna do somethin, there sure ain't nobody gonna make me.
That's a trademark of a real Kentuckian, by the way. We're sweet as sugar most the time, but we'll sink our heels in like a mule or fight like a wildcat if you try to force us. We're ready to bend over backwards for you, but if you try to make us do something we don't wanna do...you might as well give up before you try. It's just not gonna work out for you.
For example:
If someone tries to get me to work out, I sure do not want to work out, and I have no strength. It I want to work out, I am extraordinarily stronger than usual.
If I am working with horses, I somehow have the strength to pull 12 hour work days in the summer heat, waking at 5:00 in the morning and not going to sleep until 12:00 at night. If I were not working with horses, there's no way I could work that hard.
If I want to win a violin competition, I'll practice 2 hours at a stretch, no problem. Otherwise, practice is unbearable.
If I'm writing in my journal, I can throw out a good 9 single-space pages at a time. If I have to write a 5 page double-spaced term paper, it's like the bane of my existence.
If I want to do something, I'm going to do it. That's all there is to it. Nothing can stop me short of God, or wise counsel. Not that I'm aggressively stubborn, I'll just quietly do what I want to do. You may not realize what I'm doing, but I'm doing things my way.
But if I don't want to do something -oh my. It's like trying to pull Excalibur out of the stone.
I am realizing just how strong-willed I am. I always thought I was a push-over because I'll do nearly anything to please. But if I don't want to please...the job isn't going to get even 60% of my effort. I won't really be there, I won't really participate.
As I lay on the floor just before class, pleading with God to give me the energy and strength to teach, He interrupted me.
Hey, why don't you just decide to do this? You're fighting this like someone's forcing you. You wanted to come here, remember? What about giving Me your 100% and trusting Me to make up for the rest you lack?
But I can't even think straight!! What can I-
Just do it.
Ok.
So I decided to give it my best shot. I went to class, feeling like I was in a dream, but I went.
Classes ran smoothly, though I really was not able to put one thought in front of another. I taught class, and God helped me to do what I couldn't do, because I chose to try.
Maybe God's letting me hit the wall over and over again until I realize that I need to hitch my willpower to His will. He's letting me experience what happens when my strength runs out as I do my own will, and it's not comfortable. It's a lesson that I've been re-learning for the longest time, probably -you guessed it - because I'm so awfully stubborn.
So, yes, I see it now. Thanks for telling me straight-up. It took me a while to get it, but I understand now.
I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me to do His will, if I choose.
I choose.
Thara Eh K'Nyaw's daughter's name is Naw Pay Wah. :)
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts reverberated so much with my own. I'm reminded of similar mornings when the last thing I felt like doing was stepping into the classroom. Yet, when I found strength and peace through surrendering on my knees, those days became some of my best.
I realized that I told you the name of Thara Eh K'Nyaw's other daughter. The one in your pictures is Naw Peh Peh.
ReplyDeleteAh, I see. He now has a new daughter, as of this morning! : ) I don't know what her name is, but she came on the way to the hospital. They didn't quite make it there. The mom and the baby are doing fine, as far as I know.
ReplyDelete