Keys to Freedom

 

I learned a lesson today that may possibly have set me free from living in suppressed misery and depression. 

You see, I am one of those girls who has developed the habit of silencing her voice to the point that it makes her physically sick. 

I crave peace and harmony so much that I've been willing to be silent for most of my life in order to preserve the peace. The only problem is that my silence hasn't really changed how I thought or felt about a situation, it has only prevented me from learning how to express myself in a healthy way. 

I'm sharing this for those of you girls (and guys) who are dying of loneliness and isolation on the inside. You know what it's like to wake up each morning and lay there as long as you can because you dread the day. You understand what it's like to be alone in a crowd of friends and to cry yourself to sleep at night when you have told people all day that you're "just tired."

It's true. You are tired of life. It's not that you're suicidal; you're just stuck and starting to wonder if you were created to be a loner, a victim of life. Maybe you are just here to understand others and never be understood, yourself. 

You're tired of giving and never getting back. Tired of feeling others' emotions out instantly and your own silently screaming emotions being overlooked because you're too good at pretending you're fine. 

I understand you. I understand what it's like to be in so much emotional pain that you are almost paralyzed. The ravages of anxiety and neurotic thinking patterns I know all too well. The physical weakness and terror that comes from feeling like you are going to finally lose control and drop your mask. The literal inability to speak loudly, to express anger, to tell someone to stop, to let others know what's going on inside, I know. 

It's real. I am there. I understand depression from the inside out. I know what it's like to be smiling and silent on the outside and screaming and crying on the inside. I've lived most of my life as two different people; the outer Raquel, and the inner Raquel who I've cruelly suppressed and never allowed to speak. 

And this is what I've always thought:

1. I am all alone to take care of myself

2. No one can understand me

3. I'm a victim of insentive people and life's circumstances

But I will not be destroyed, because deep within my soul is the courage of a lion, and I will rise again, though they may knock me down! I take care of myself! 

I will survive, though I live tragically alone and misunderstood. 

Yes, well, I have been decieved. And if you have thought like that, you were decieved too.  

The truth is, 

1. I am my own worst enemy and far from taking care of myself, can actually only do the most harm to myself.

2. There are many others who understand what I'm feeling(Just look on Pinterest. You are never alone in what you're feeling). 

3. I am not a victim of anyone or anything but myself. 

All this time that I've spent thinking I was angry at life and other people, I've overlooked the reality that the problem lies with me. I'm the one who's silenced myself. I'm the one who won't let myself be cared for or understood. I am so proud and self-reliant that I'm willing to stay depressed rather than ask for help. 

Yep. Not stupid, just decieved. 

I can't take care of myself. I don't want to be alone. I have a voice. I don't need to run away and hide in order to protect myself. I can express my thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, even if no one listens to me. 

It's not un-Christian to feel anger. Christ didn't let others walk over Him because He was so kind. Being like Jesus doesn't mean having no personal boundaries. It doesn't mean saying "yes" to everything. 

Being like Jesus doesn't mean making yourself into a super outgoing people-person or always being the first to volunteer. It doesn't mean making yourself into a doormat, or never having a preference or opinion. It's not something you have to force yourself to do. Yes, Jesus' work In your life will go against your sinful nature, but you'll never be Christlike by trying to be like Christ. 

Slight tangent: 

Being like Jesus means seeking God because you are interested in knowing Him personally. Not seeking God because you want to earn "Christ-like" status and thus be more attractive to others, not because you want to go to heaven and escape hell, not because you want someone to help you out, and not because you want to stop sinning. Not even so that you can be saved. 

Those are all selfish reasons for wanting to know someone. I realized that I've also been really selfish about having devotions and praying and working for God. It's not about me. He'll take care of me and save me and help me and make me like Him and all of that, but that's not why I seek Him. It's not so that people will think I'm a stable person and I'm all ready to be in a happy relationship because I was "seeking God first". This is not about me. 

This is about a Creator Whose reputation and honor is at stake. How can I be so selfish as to think God exists to please me or to make my life easy? 

Anyways, coming back off the tangent...

The original thought here is that if you feel alone, lost, depressed, or misunderstood, you are not alone and staying silent and isolated is not going to help you. You must learn to speak even if your voice is barely above a whisper. Even if you tremble. Even if you stumble. Even if you think it's hopeless and no one is listening. 

You need to speak for your own sake. 

Because it's not other people and circumstances that make you depressed;  it's yourself. You need to hear yourself speak up and break the silence. That's when you'll start to feel more in control. 

Learn to be brave and say what you think is un-Christian. Tell people no. Ask them to stop. Disagree with someone. Keep boundaries for yourself and only allow the behavior towards yourself that you want others to continue. Don't be afraid to share when you are in pain. 

Please set yourself free. No one else can. 

Make the choice to speak up. 

I'm wishing courage to each of you. No matter our differences, we are all fighting the same battles on the inside. Let's help each other win.