Glory Around the Corner

"Keep your sunny side up, up, up, don't let your face get down!" sang the children's choir on my friend's iPhone.

And as my friend sang along, grinning at me, I smiled back just to please her, wilting inside because I honestly didn't know which way was up.

It has been a difficult year for me. Not that I haven't enjoyed it; I've just had a lot of opportunities to grow -in the dark.

My smiles are real, but they don't last as long as I would like. I need to know if there is rest at the end of the struggle. Is it going to be OK, someday? Is it worth continuing on, or should I give up?

........

It was my senior year in highschool. I had just turned seventeen, after working a summer at a boarding school in Canada. School had been in session for a month or so and I was already completely overwhelmed, yet still pumped with adrenaline. It had been a very sudden transition from homeschooling, and I didn't know how to handle being around so many peers all at once. I seemed like a total social butterfly, but no one realized I was actually very depressed.

It was a weekend in September, when the whole school went on a campout on the shore of a nearby lake. This was a big lake, very deep, with crystal clear water, and surrounded by British Columbian rocky mountains.  It took us half an hour driving a speed boat to get across the lake to where we would camp. Over the weekend, we hiked, ate good food, did water sports, talked, and had a great time. During the days, we would often look far across the lake and see a train winding its way along the cliffs above the water. Some students told of a passenger train that had derailed years ago, and when the divers went down to look at the wreck, they found giant sturgeon fish as long as the traincars...
(That scared me thoroughly)

Sabbath afternoon, the staff drove us further up the lake to an old train tunnel that was no longer used. It was tradition for the students to walk through the tunnel without flashlights if they could, and of course to scare each other.
The mouth of the tunnel was almost covered by new trees and bushes, but we pushed through them and walked bravely into the cool darkness. Those of us who were new didn't know how long the tunnel was, and we soon began to worry, for the blackness seemed to go on forever. I was walking alone, trying to keep calm and be brave, but it seemed like that tunnel symbolized my life, and I began to wonder if there really was an opening at the other end. What if there wasn't hope at the end? My eyes took a while to adjust, but as I slowly kept walking and focusing ahead, I became aware that the tunnel was curved. A barely discernable haze of something less than light was glowing around the bend. I never could have seen it if my eyes had not adjusted to the darkness.
I started walking faster, and the glow grew brighter and reflected off the jagged rock walls of the tunnel. I started to run as the light shone still brighter, and soon I came around the corner to see a small but glorious window of blue sky and green forest straight ahead.
And I couldn't help but gasp in relief. There was an end to the darkness; I was going to make it. We all soon poured out of the tunnel, laughing together. We had made it through, and the victory was sweet.

Maybe I could also make it through the depression and darkness.

.....

And now I'm in my fifth year of college, having gotten to the middle of another curved tunnel. Its autumn, a season I usually delight in, but I've been too depressed to really take notice.
I ask, "What's the point of me? My life? My being here at school?"
Many other questions pound at my soul, begging just to be heard, if not answered.
When will this walking in the dark be finished? Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

Should I keep going? Or...?

Many times recently, I have come to the point of complete apathy towards life. If I'm failing, why should I keep trying? It doesn't make sense. I sense that I am more trouble to others than good, and it seems logical to me that I can be a bigger blessing by not being around.
Just until I can get my life together and get out of self-preservation mode.
I know I'm depressed; I know what helps cure depression, but I feel powerless to even hope to change. I don't even feel like I want to get better; depression is all I've known...how can I live without it?

(Should be, how can I live with it? Hmmm.)

So today, I got to the end of my rope, gave myself a hard talk and made a decision that seems completely heretical to my unhealthy patterns of thinking.

I'm going to believe something different than what I've thought for so long.

- Failing at something does not make me a failure
- I am not defined by what I do or do not do
- displeasing people does not make me a terrible person
- I can use my failures as fertilizer to grow successes
- God's thoughts and feelings and will are separate from other people's. He still loves me and I am OK even if people are upset with me.
- I can find motivation to live in believing that God is different, and that I can please Him.
- It's OK for me not to be good at everything

These are thoughts that will take a while to live, but I'm determined to keep walking forwards, even if the tunnel never seems to end.
And maybe I'll even begin to see Jesus walking in the dark with me.

According to Newmann Hance, the Bible worker in DeQueen, "Keep walking! There's glory around the corner!!" 

Let Jesus take your hand; He always walks towards glory.

" To all who are reaching out to feel the guiding hand of God, the moment of greatest discouragement is the time when divine help is nearest. They will look back with thankfulness upon the darkest part of their way. “The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly,” 2 Peter 2:9. From every temptation and every trial He will bring them forth with firmer faith and a richer experience. "

The Desire of Ages, pg. 528.3

Micah 7:8
Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy:
when I fall, I shall arise;
when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.

It is worth all of your effort, and soul.
Jesus is worth it. He'll help you conquer, and He'll reward your attempts.

Don't give up.

It's going to be OK.

Jesus still lives you.

He will never leave you.

Glory is around the corner!