On Becoming a Kid

I think I must have missed part of my childhood. Either that, or it's in my personality, permanently.

It's ok, whichever way works. 

This morning, I spent a while sitting in the floor during math class, meticulously scraping old labels off children's books with my fingernails and putting our school's labels on. 

Every once in a while I would come to a book that looked interesting, and get distracted reading it. The pull of a book, especially one with pictures and childlike whimsy, is almost irresistible to me. 
I love children's books. 

Now I will go on a short nostalgic tangent about childhood toys. Maybe you had some of them when you were a kid!

 Growing up, I never liked baby dolls (or real babies), but I had a whole collection of Beany Baby animals and then Polly Pockets. My American Girl doll, Samantha, was too fragile for me to play with very often, and I got frustrated that her hair was so smooth and straight when mine was more like Shirley Temple's. I didn't identify with Samantha very well, but I tried to learn how to smile with just my two front teeth showing, like she did. It ended up looking kind of buck-toothed, I'm sure.

Although I liked the feel of Beany Babies, my favorite toys were Legos. They were indestructible, colorful, and super tactile. Most importantly, though, you could make anything you wanted, and then tear it down and make something else.
Matchbox and Hotwheel cars were also super exciting.

My parents got me a Fisherprice dollhouse, and every holiday for a few years, I got a new person, or set, or  animal. The dollhouse was awesome.
My sister got one too, when she was old enough, and hers was prettier than mine, but I liked mine better because it was full of my memories and stories. 

End of Tangent: 

Kids love stories. They love to imagine, so identify, to experience. They have such a natural enthusiasm for what ever they set their minds to. They succeed at amazing things just because they never thought they couldn't.

What happened to us adults?

Where did our enthusiasm go? When we were little, every day was a new, exciting adventure. We didn't know what it was like to dread the future.

Today, we went to the playground for recess. I normally do not like to play tag or run or anything, because I have developed a miserable self-consciousness. However, when you are with kids, they don't notice or care!
All they want is your participation.

The upper graders were swinging rather docilely when I went to the playground, so I went to the pull-up bars and shocked myself by doing a pull-up! (I'm not sure I've ever done that before)
Buzzing with success, and with the invitation of the kids, I swung on the swings with them.
"Hey, Miss Raquel, you want to race me?" Katie asked. We lined up in our swings and on the count of three, pushed off.
Then the little kids filtered onto the playground. Katie and I gave up on our swing race, as everyone wandered around wondering what to do. I left my swing and Jamie ran up to me, "Miss Raquel, you want to play tag?"

"Sure!" I smiled, and she tagged me instantly.

"I'm it!" I announced, and took off after one of the little kids who was standing there like a bump on a log. His eyes popped, and he jumped away. The game was on!

Soon, everyone was running around, laughing. "Daniel is it!" I yelled, "Oh! Look out, Michael!!" 

Daniel closed in on Michael, and they tripped into a heap on the ground.

"Ok! Michael is it!" 

Later, Desirae and Jamie ran to hide behind me, as Carlos ran towards us. "Miss Raquel, save us!"
Then they sprang away, screaming.
I ducked and ran around the jungle gym, Carlos hard after me.

"Hey! How dare you run after teacher??" The watching kids protested.

"I don't think I have any special immunity." I laughed breathlessly as I barely dodged his hand. 

Soon, we both got tired, and I let him tag me. Then I got little Chad, and the game continued.

When we were done, the kids were breathing hard, their cheeks were pink, and every one was in a good mood, even me. I actually had a lot of fun, for the first time in about a long time. 

Honestly, I had been dreading practicum, fearful of how I would be received, and how I would perform. I have been so stressed out for the past year; the cares of life have been threatening to completely overwhelm me. Honestly, it's not the external happenings that matter so much as what I choose to care about, and choice comes with consequences, good or bad.

I'm finally starting to breathe again, I think. 

While I was drowning under the feelings of depression, anxiety, failure, confusion, and more, I felt like I was regressing towards my younger immaturity. I wondered if I was ever going to learn how to love life, and how to be in control of my thoughts. 

Now, I'm beginning to relax and realize that everything IS going to be OK. I can be patient and wait for life to happen at its own pace. I can not make my anxieties go away, but I can let them go.

I am thankful that God gives us exactly what we need. I think I needed to be around children to learn how to trust, to learn how to relax and treasure every moment. Instead of worrying about becoming immature again, I need to let myself be a kid and enjoy my life. 

I did miss much of my childhood, but it's never too late to learn the important lessons.

And I think as I learn to be childlike, I'll grow more than I ever could have before.

Why don't you join me? I wish I could take you with me on my journey towards joy and peace, but you have your own journey to travel. We can walk beside each other, though, and cheer each other on.

Let's go! Happiness awaits! 

Ju-Ju and I are sitting in my hammock, watching the kids tear down an old bamboo hut.

Serena is my best friend's little sister. This was taken while we were shooting at her house during Thanksgiving (hence, Raphy's and my ear protection).