Soul Stirrings
-Love unconditionally-
My heart, speaking with itself,
"Only God can. I don't have the strength to love unconditionally, to fight the shame.
Shame is a lead blanket.
It's a thick sheet of clouds, blocking the sun.
It's the smell of a decaying soul.
The sound of falling into a bottomless pit.
The taste of hot metal, before you hit bottom.
I know shame. But I didn't realize it until now. It's what keeps me from looking myself in the eye. What keeps me running, dodging, defending, barricading.
Deep down, shame says, deep down, you're actually poison.
If others get too close, You'll kill them with your neediness, manipulation, and ruthless selfishness.
Shame is a hypocritical, two-faced guard.
It professes to protect you from harm, all the while slowly cutting off your air supply.
I'm tired of this lie.
I'm tired of lies.
When someone coaxes you to trust, says they love you, and them shoves you to the ground and saunters away, telling others you tripped.
When someone says they want what's best for you and locks you in a glass box to suffocate from loneliness.
When someone says you're beautiful and then tells you you need to do some body modification.
When someone says you're smart and talented enough to succeed at anything you want to do, and then tells you all the reasons why you can't do what you are interested in.
Why? Why do people tell these lies?
And am I any better?
Didn't I deserve to be treated like this?"
"No, heart, you didn't deserve it."
"But...it's what I'm used to. I don't know or want anything better. I would rather stay in the crushing vice because it's familiar. It smells like me. If I could leave and break out, I might not be strong enough to live an unashamed life. It's free, sunny, blue skies, breezy, alive and terrifyingly unfamiliar.
Do I have to be alone up there, too?"
"No. It's ok to leave the ones who hurt you behind. You don't have to stay to keep them company and play games with them. You have been invited to leave and you are obligated to go. Forget the ones you leave behind.
Focus on the sky, the sunny blue sky."
"Forgetting those things which lie behind, and reaching for what is ahead..."
(Philippians 3:13)
My heart, speaking with itself,
"Only God can. I don't have the strength to love unconditionally, to fight the shame.
Shame is a lead blanket.
It's a thick sheet of clouds, blocking the sun.
It's the smell of a decaying soul.
The sound of falling into a bottomless pit.
The taste of hot metal, before you hit bottom.
I know shame. But I didn't realize it until now. It's what keeps me from looking myself in the eye. What keeps me running, dodging, defending, barricading.
Deep down, shame says, deep down, you're actually poison.
If others get too close, You'll kill them with your neediness, manipulation, and ruthless selfishness.
Shame is a hypocritical, two-faced guard.
It professes to protect you from harm, all the while slowly cutting off your air supply.
I'm tired of this lie.
I'm tired of lies.
When someone coaxes you to trust, says they love you, and them shoves you to the ground and saunters away, telling others you tripped.
When someone says they want what's best for you and locks you in a glass box to suffocate from loneliness.
When someone says you're beautiful and then tells you you need to do some body modification.
When someone says you're smart and talented enough to succeed at anything you want to do, and then tells you all the reasons why you can't do what you are interested in.
Why? Why do people tell these lies?
And am I any better?
Didn't I deserve to be treated like this?"
"No, heart, you didn't deserve it."
"But...it's what I'm used to. I don't know or want anything better. I would rather stay in the crushing vice because it's familiar. It smells like me. If I could leave and break out, I might not be strong enough to live an unashamed life. It's free, sunny, blue skies, breezy, alive and terrifyingly unfamiliar.
Do I have to be alone up there, too?"
"No. It's ok to leave the ones who hurt you behind. You don't have to stay to keep them company and play games with them. You have been invited to leave and you are obligated to go. Forget the ones you leave behind.
Focus on the sky, the sunny blue sky."
"Forgetting those things which lie behind, and reaching for what is ahead..."
(Philippians 3:13)
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