About Me

Disclaimer:
I know I risk coming across as narcissistic by writing about myself. The purpose of this post is not by any means self-exaltation. I'm writing for those of you who like to learn about people and are also in the process of figuring yourselves out. End of disclaimer.

Oh, and this is not about my accomplishments or life experiences. This is about internal things; the evolution of my personality, thinking and behavior. 

Introduction:

I've always been really fascinated by people, their personalities, and how to connect with each one in a meaningful way.
I've always wanted to know who I am, too. You know, this person that you are, that you live every day -who are you?

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are alone and you suddenly have this creepy awareness that you are alone with yourself? No one else is there but you, and you don't even really know who you are. It's like you are trapped being this great unknown.
Fear comes from the unknown. You are afraid of being alone with yourself, because you don't know who you are.

(It's ok if you can't identify, btw. Some of you don't ever think about things like that, but it doesn't mean you're missing anything.)

So I have been coming to better understand myself over this time in Thailand. It's an extremely gratifying feeling, to know that I actually am an individual, with a distinct personality, and I don't have to try to be anyone else.

History:

 I grew up always feeling like I was different. Very different. Too different to be acceptable as I was. I didn't look remotely like anyone else I knew. I didn't have the same kind of family or lifestyle. I didn't think like anyone else did, and didn't have the same experiences that most consider normal. My normal was what most people would consider abnormal. I learned to equate "abnormal" with "unacceptable" simply because I didn't think anyone could understand me or would like me the way I was.
I grew up so desperate to feel accepted that I adapted the ability to be a personality chameleon. I adopted the personality of whoever I was with. I intuitively sensed what made them tick, their emotional state, the way they thought, and their background, and molded myself into just the sort of person that would not only complement but also supplement them. If they were balanced, I would agree with them. If they tended towards one extreme, I would swing to the other, to even them out. I would figure out what they lacked, and tried to fill in the gap with myself. 
I always believed that I naturally didn't have my own personality. My own appointed purpose was to harmonize with whoever I was with, so they would be a better person.
I thought I had to constantly be living for someone else's benefit, or my own life would be taken away as useless, because I had no personality of my own. I also naturally crave peace, so my other mission in life was to fix everyone's interpersonal issues, so there would be peace.

I was terrified of being alone for two reasons.
1. I believed that If I wasn't trying to solve problems or help people, I wasn't fulfilling my purpose in life; therefore, I deserved to be dead. It would only be a matter of time before my life would be taken away.
2. I felt like I was somehow betraying myself in all of this people-pleasing and peacemaking, and worried that I would someday just go crazy.


I was always on edge, trying to keep everything together on the outside, but inside wondering how long it could be before I would implode. I got used to ever-present anxiety, depression, deep anger, resentment, and bitterness. I adopted a decidedly negative mindset, and doubted that I could ever change. Actually, I didn't even really want to change. I wanted to be miserable.
It seemed like the only thing that was really me.

 Methods of Change:

Realizing that I had quite a lot of neurotic thinking patterns, I resolved to fix myself. I've always been a very self-sufficient, I-can-do-it-myself, just-let-me-try-again kind of person.

I purposely isolated myself from people to break the fear of being alone.
I stopped seeking out people's problems, and avoided being the peacemaker.
I stopped trying to be normal, and embraced the difference.
I tried to stop carrying other people's emotional burdens by becoming logical and pushing aside emotion as irrational.
I worked hard to improve my problems. 


Where was God in all of this?

He was there beside me, the whole time I thought I was fighting life solitarily. He was giving me every heartbeat and every breath that I used to live on my own. It didn't matter how far I went into the isolated plains of thought; He was there. He understood me, though I didn't understand myself.
He loved me, though I hated myself. 

Whither shall I go from thy spirit?
or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there:
if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
 If I take the wings of the morning,
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
 Even there shall thy hand lead me,
and thy right hand shall hold me.
 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me;
even the night shall be light about me.
 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee;
but the night shineth as the day:
the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

Psalm 139:7-12

I felt like I was going crazy with inner conflict and unanswered questions. Who was I? What was going on with my life? Why was I alive? What was my purpose in life? How was I supposed to think? Each day only brought more darkness and confusion. I was hanging on to the end of my rope when He stepped in.

Unless the Lord had been my help,
my soul had almost dwelt in silence.
 When I said, My foot slippeth; [or I'm about to lose my mind]
thy mercy, O Lord, held me up.
 In the multitude of my thoughts within me
thy comforts delight my soul. 

Psalm 94:17-19

Now:

I don't have all the answers to those questions I was asking.

All I'm sure of is that I'm a child of God who was created to know Him and make Him known. How did I learn that? (Through reading His Word. You can find a lot of answers in there.)

I'm still learning how to think. Still discovering what I'm supposed to do with my life. Still figuring myself out. I'm getting used to living contentedly with unanswered questions, because the most important ones have been answered by God Himself.

I'm a little shy of pinning myself down as being any certain personality type because 1. I don't like boxes (unless you can cut them open and make new things with them. ; ) ), and 2. I think my personality hasn't quite solidified yet. Hopefully it won't, though (at least the bad parts of it).
Currently, I most identify with the ENTP personality, but I scored really low on all of the letters, so I'm close to being any one of the 16 personalities. That might explain why I can get along so well with any kind of person. 

I have always been a very intelligent person, which unfortunately is not always considered attractive in a female. Girls are supposed to be cute, agreeable, and compliant. They are not allowed to have their own opinions or to share them; that would be insubordination. Opinionated girls who can hold their own in a debate or talk intelligently on a wide variety of subjects are simply not considered very womanly or nice. They are intimidating.

I figured that out really fast when I was young, and learned to act dumb as a way to keep people from being intimidated. I was always taller than the kids my age, and that plus the fact that I was also very talented definitely put a wall between me and my peers. The only way I could compensate was to play down my abilities, act silly or carelessly, and pretend like I didn't really have an opinion about anything. I seemed to be more girly and less scary that way.

The truth is, I'm really smart, competitive, argumentative, and quick-witted. I'm not the mild-mannered, easy-going, gullible push-over I've tried to hide as.

I have always loved filling my mind with as much information as possible so I can speak informatively about anything. It doesn't matter what you talk about, I know something about it.
If I don't, you would probably never know, because I'm so good at figuring things out on the fly. I have always loved to take tests, just for fun, even if I've never trained on the material.

I love to ask questions, the harder and more abstract, the better. It's ok if the person I ask doesn't have a complete answer; all that matters is that they try to respond somewhat intelligently. I don't like the answers, "I don't know" or "Just because I said so."  I love to debate issues that most people don't ever think about. I love to inspect a truth or circumstance from all sides, so that I can more fully understand it. I love to figure out the underlying principle behind everything from everyday occurrences to universal truths.

I love to use my brain. I love to improve myself in any way that I can by soaking in information, or learning skills.
I love to poke other people's brains, to antagonize them to the near-breaking point just to inspire unprecedented thought. I love to offer creative solutions to problems. I love to question authority, and then do exactly as I'm told.

Sorry if that's unattractive for a female, but that's the way I am. I can do all those other things that are considered more feminine (i.e. cooking, sewing, cleaning, nursing, babysitting, shopping, playing music, doing hair/makeup/etc, crocheting, embroidering, and so on), but I don't attempt to limit myself in what I can learn and do, even if some of those things are considered more masculine. I want to learn about cars and how to fix them. I want to learn how to build a house. I want to be able to talk knowledgeably about war, history, and politics.

Soapbox:

By the way, I'm not by any means advocating a feminist attitude. I hate feminism, and how it's mixed up the gender roles in our post-modern society. I just don't think an air-headed, unintelligent, uncultivated creature who whose only acceptable concern is to stay looking youthful and sexy is the epitome of a woman. Am I blunt enough? Underdeveloped countries are not the only places where women are being marginalized. Even American women are being taught that their only reasonable purpose is to look beautiful and give pleasure. If that is not propaganda to insult human intelligence, I don't know what is. The only reason we swallow it is because vanity is easier to satiate than conscience. Come on, women! Let's learn to use our heads, shall we?

Ahem. Stepping off my soapbox...

Last facts:

People are complicated, I know. I always have two completely opposite opinions on anything, because I like to understand issues from all sides. I live in a constant state of mental dichotomy.
Although I have strong opinions, they are always changing based on the information I acquire, and I could easily go either way on any issue. I can also argue for a point that I don't even believe in.

I could happily wear skinny jeans one day and a burqa the next.

I could advocate the benefits of eating meat while personally being a total vegan.

I could recommend Catholicism while living a perfect Adventist lifestyle.

 Thankfully, I also have a conscience, and wouldn't do such things. There's no good reason that I should. 

Now I will tack on a somewhat misfitting appeal to the end of this self-centered monologue.

Somewhat Impromptu Appeal and Conclusion:

These are just a few of the many facets that make me an irreplaceable individual, but I'm not the only one who is amazingly unique.
You are an incredible person, yourself. God has created you with a brain, and He wants you to cultivate its use.
There's nothing to stop you from improving.
The only impossible thing is the thing you believe is impossible, for "with God, all things are possible".

You can overcome character flaws in His strength. You can learn. You can grow. Put your mind to it, and cooperate with the Holy Spirit. His will is to restore us into the image of our Maker, and that is a vast improvement over what we naturally are. No matter how intelligent or talented I can be, there's always infinite room to grow and improve. The point is not satisfaction, but a constant striving for something better.

I'm seeking to know God and to make Him known through all the ways that make me different and special. You are also irreplaceable. For some, your unique witness might be the most comprehensive and compelling they'll ever experience. Why not use your individuality to share Jesus with others?


Now I'm done talking about myself for the rest of my life.
The floor is open. : )