Learning to Lead, Learning to Follow

So it's the end of my first week of head-leading a canvassing program. I must confess, I was excited to take the assignment when it was offered to me. This past week has been full of learning curves, fun memories, and precious experiences.

It's been overall a good experience for me, but I think I might have run out of adrenaline and haven't figured it out yet. I'm so tired that I can't fall asleep; it's like my mind is a frozen computer that needs to be restarted.
To those who have always wanted to be leaders, I will tell you this: It's a lot of fun, but it's a heavy responsibility. You think you don't get enough down time when you're canvassing? Leaders get even less.

I've been trying to stay really busy because I don't want my team to think I'm slacking off as a leader. I know they work hard on the field, but I have to set the example for work ethic. 

I just wrote a bunch of bullet points on the hard parts of leadership, because I wanted to prove that it's not what most canvassers think it is. After reading it, however, I realized that it came across more like complaining, so I deleted it. I don't have anything to prove to anyone.

Let's just say, if a poor misguided canvasser were to get into leadership just so they could relax in the van, they would be gravely disappointed.

But leading is AWESOME! Just like canvassing is awesome and hard and difficult and wonderful.
It's a challenge on a little higher level than canvassing, but it's still the same game. The same lessons are there to practice. 

It's just the sort of work that necessitates total reliance upon God. Of course, because I'm super stubborn and self-reliant, it's not easy for me to do that. Being the head-leader of a program, I'm tempted to feel that I'm alone making the decisions and keeping everything running. The truth is that while my team looks to me for directions, I look to God. He's ultimately keeping the program running smoothly and gives me wisdom to know what His will is in every situation.

Every day I pray earnestly that God will help my mistakes to not affect my team in any way. I ask Him to direct me; to lead the team. Then, I give it 100% of myself and trust that He is leading, though the day's events often don't make sense.

Honestly, I halfway want to be a little kid again and let other people tell me what to do. I want to defer to someone else who is confident and who knows what they are doing. I just want to follow and please people, or be independent, where my personal choices will not effect anyone.
At first, I didn't understand why I keep getting put into situations where I have to make the decisions and be responsible for others. I'm not status quo; I don't do life like most people...why should I be a leader?
I have so many conflicting thoughts about this. Half of me says I'm perfectly capable of being an excellent leader and doing everything all by myself, and the other half says there's nothing about me that's worthy of the job. I just try to push those thoughts aside and focus on living the life I have in this moment.

Now, it's dawning on me that God must have picked me for leadership for my sake. He knew that I would continue to be self-reliant until I was brought to a place where I could not be any longer.
He knew that I needed to learn to follow Him alone; not another person, no matter how confident they are.
He knew that I would never trust Him unless I had the ground pulled out from under me.
  
Truly, when you give your life to Jesus, everything that happens to you is all for good, even if it doesn't make sense at the time.