Interview With Myself
- Why did you go to Ouachita Hills College (OHC)?
That's a good question. The simple answer is that I came here because God reminded me that I would be most blessed if I obeyed my parents, and I decided to follow His advice.
- So OHC wasn't your first choice of colleges to attend?
Not at all. I had always imagined myself going to a bigger conference college. I had applied to three or four colleges, been accepted to all of them, and had everything financially worked out to attend one. I had made friends there, and was really excited about leaving home to experience the next part of my life. I never would have considered OHC because I had had a really bad experience with "conservative" Adventists, and had the idea that OHC was a school for only that kind of people.
I didn't want to be associated with them, or risk the chance of becoming like them. Plus, OHC didn't offer any majors that I wanted to take.
Plus, my family had decided to move there and I wanted to get as far from them as I could. I didn't want to live at home any longer, and I didn't want my parents in my life any longer.
- What major did you want to take?
I wanted to become a physical therapist's assistant.
- Why did your parents want you to go to OHC?
So I didn't like the school at all, but when I actually drove up with the Uhaul to our little trailer, I instantly felt at peace. I guess God did that for me.
- What have you learned here that has changed your life?
Most of what I have learned has been through canvassing, and having personal conversations with my teachers. I honestly don't remember much of what I've heard in the classroom, sadly; I've just been trying to push through college so I can graduate without seeming retarded for taking five years instead of four.
**
Raquel, do you think other people are retarded for taking longer to do a four-year degree?
Well, it's called a four-year degree for a reason! That's the amount of time they've given you, and don't you think they tried to pick a reasonable time frame? If people can't keep up, then they just aren't good enough...
Just like you, huh?
Ouch. ...Yea, I guess.
Is that really helping you, to feel bad for taking longer? Is it helping you get through any faster?
No....
Then stop judging yourself and other people. You have the whole rest of your life ahead of you. It's better for you to be wise and only take as many credits as you can handle without freaking out then to foolishly push yourself to exhaustion and graduate half-dead.
Ok, but I still feel dumb.
Sigh...
**
Honestly, I'm not sure how to put into words what I've learned at OHC, and sometimes I wonder if I've really learned anything. I'm still not sure why I have gone to a school where I cannot really pursue the learning I want. I don't know where my life is going, or how my past fits into my future.
I guess the only thing I can say is that I used to be a very angry, depressed, anxiety-ridden, selfish person and now I'm much happier, more peaceful, and less selfish.
Much of that change I attribute to the lessons I've learned while working with God, struggling with truth, and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.
All I can say is that now I know God much better than I did before coming to OHC. And honestly, I consider that worth the loss of my dreams.
- Thanks for talking with me.
Anytime. : )
That's a good question. The simple answer is that I came here because God reminded me that I would be most blessed if I obeyed my parents, and I decided to follow His advice.
- So OHC wasn't your first choice of colleges to attend?
Not at all. I had always imagined myself going to a bigger conference college. I had applied to three or four colleges, been accepted to all of them, and had everything financially worked out to attend one. I had made friends there, and was really excited about leaving home to experience the next part of my life. I never would have considered OHC because I had had a really bad experience with "conservative" Adventists, and had the idea that OHC was a school for only that kind of people.
I didn't want to be associated with them, or risk the chance of becoming like them. Plus, OHC didn't offer any majors that I wanted to take.
Plus, my family had decided to move there and I wanted to get as far from them as I could. I didn't want to live at home any longer, and I didn't want my parents in my life any longer.
- What major did you want to take?
I wanted to become a physical therapist's assistant.
- Why did your parents want you to go to OHC?
Because they could see that I wasn't really grounded in my faith and very unstable in making wise decisions. They knew that OHC didn't offer anything I wanted to take, but they felt it was the best place for me to be, spiritually-speaking. As a freshman with no college experience, and having a high ACT score, I had scholarships to the collees I wanted to attend. If I went to OHC, I knew I would lose elegibility.
Oh, but another big reason my parents wanted me to attend OHC was because of finances.
1. My dad quit his job as a pastor employed by the conference. I lost the benefit of 75% -off tuition prices at conference schools for being the child of a conference employee.
2. My parents got hired by OHC, which cannot pay its staff much at all. My parents wouldn't be able to support me at a conference school.
3. I would get free tuition at OHC since I'm a staff-kid.
4. It's against wisdom and counsel to go majorly into debt, which I would have done if I had tried to go to a different school.
5. I will graduate debt-free from college, because I can canvass off any amount I owe them for textbooks or other things.
Because of these reasons, my parents -while advocating my free choice in the matter and inferring that they would most likely eventually forgive me if I chose not to- strongly encouraged me to apply for OHC.
- So you decided to attend OHC. Was it a hard decision?
It was heart-crushing. Felt like the ultimate sacrifice. In fact, I wrote a contract with myself, to keep me from changing my mind.
Here's the contract:
Today, July 14 2011 I decided to go to Ouachita Hills College, in accordance with my parents direction and realize that I forfeit any other privileges I might have gained at another college. This decision has been my own, and it was based on the desire to follow God's will and learn some valuable foundational skills and maturity that I might not gain elsewhere.
This choice seems to be a little risky and somewhat presumptuous from different standpoints, but I trust that what I cannot see is something that God sees and takes into account. His will is what I desire to do, and I believe that I will fully benefit from this decision. God help me to keep looking forward and not waver. I choose to follow Him and stay at OHC until I have learned what He wants me to learn. The determining factor will be whether my parents feel I am ready to leave or not.
I leave my future up to God and trust that He knows what is best for me, and what will first make me holy, and next make me happy. My rebellious spirit I give to Him, and I promise not to turn back or try to recant this decision, as it has been my own choice, and not a force of my will.
After writing this contract, I waited until the last minute, then applied to attend OHC. I made it clear in my application (you had to write an essay on why you wanted to be accepted as a student there) that I did not want to attend there but was applying out of determined and begrudging obedience to God and my parents. I tried to make myself seem as unattractive as possible and desperately hoped they would deny my application so I could laugh at my parents and go to my school of choice.
It was heart-crushing. Felt like the ultimate sacrifice. In fact, I wrote a contract with myself, to keep me from changing my mind.
Here's the contract:
Today, July 14 2011 I decided to go to Ouachita Hills College, in accordance with my parents direction and realize that I forfeit any other privileges I might have gained at another college. This decision has been my own, and it was based on the desire to follow God's will and learn some valuable foundational skills and maturity that I might not gain elsewhere.
This choice seems to be a little risky and somewhat presumptuous from different standpoints, but I trust that what I cannot see is something that God sees and takes into account. His will is what I desire to do, and I believe that I will fully benefit from this decision. God help me to keep looking forward and not waver. I choose to follow Him and stay at OHC until I have learned what He wants me to learn. The determining factor will be whether my parents feel I am ready to leave or not.
I leave my future up to God and trust that He knows what is best for me, and what will first make me holy, and next make me happy. My rebellious spirit I give to Him, and I promise not to turn back or try to recant this decision, as it has been my own choice, and not a force of my will.
After writing this contract, I waited until the last minute, then applied to attend OHC. I made it clear in my application (you had to write an essay on why you wanted to be accepted as a student there) that I did not want to attend there but was applying out of determined and begrudging obedience to God and my parents. I tried to make myself seem as unattractive as possible and desperately hoped they would deny my application so I could laugh at my parents and go to my school of choice.
I was very disappointed when I received my acceptance letter, but I figured that at least the school would know straight-up what kind of a person I was. I wasn't going to pretend to be pious. I agreed to one semester there, but told my parents that's all I would take before leaving home for good.
It's been four years, now. Nearly every semester, I desperately try to rationalize going somewhere else, but the reasons I chose to come to OHC still stand, so I'm bound to stay until I graduate. I keep having to choose to stay, but the choice gets easier as I get closer to graduating.
It's been four years, now. Nearly every semester, I desperately try to rationalize going somewhere else, but the reasons I chose to come to OHC still stand, so I'm bound to stay until I graduate. I keep having to choose to stay, but the choice gets easier as I get closer to graduating.
- What were your first impressions of OHC when you first arrived?
I had visited Friday morning of graduation, 2011, and hated the place.
We had driven all night from eastern Tennessee and arrived at Arkadelphia at 4:00 that morning. It was super humid, the school was out in the middle of a pine forest, the 17-year cicadas had hatched that summer and were singing deafeningly, and the people at school were either super skinny, girly-girls with skirts and sleek ponytails or Amish-looking guys.
I had visited Friday morning of graduation, 2011, and hated the place.
We had driven all night from eastern Tennessee and arrived at Arkadelphia at 4:00 that morning. It was super humid, the school was out in the middle of a pine forest, the 17-year cicadas had hatched that summer and were singing deafeningly, and the people at school were either super skinny, girly-girls with skirts and sleek ponytails or Amish-looking guys.
I had purposely dressed against what I knew the dress code would allow students there, just to see how people would treat me. I was shocked when people actually smiled, looked me in the eye like a human being, and didn't act awkward around my family. They were nice conservative people. My mind was blown, but I still didn't want to look like them.
I was also scared that all the guys there were the plaid, buttoned all the way up, tucked-in shirt type with high rise pants and suspenders, socks and sandals, and their blond hair modestly slicked over to the side. They would be the kind to laugh loudly and obnoxiously, clumsily flirt with the worldly girls while condemning them behind their backs and would call everyone brother and sister; especially the nice prairie-dress females who also would be attending the school while praying for a nice godly prairie man to court (after they graduated, of course).
I was scared to death that I would be brainwashed into wanting to marry one of those guys.
Thankfully, OHC guys are not like that. And the couple guys who do choose to wear suspenders are actually my friends. Though I definitely do not allow any guys to call me "sister".
I do not want to be objectified into some kind of female who is expected to be just like all the other girls. (Those other "sisters" have a right to be individuals, too)
I do not want to be objectified into some kind of female who is expected to be just like all the other girls. (Those other "sisters" have a right to be individuals, too)
Anyway- I'm still kind of edgy because of my background, but I'm learning to take the good and leave the bad.
So I didn't like the school at all, but when I actually drove up with the Uhaul to our little trailer, I instantly felt at peace. I guess God did that for me.
- How were the first few weeks? Did you have a lot of adjusting to do?
Yea, I needed a big attitude adjustment. For the first two weeks I absolutely hated the place, the scripture songs, the skirts, the classes, the people...everything. After going to the first college retreat though, I made friends and started liking it there a lot more. I was used to the dress standards, although they weren't my personal choice, and I was used to eating vegan, so that wasn't an adjustment.
I think the biggest adjustment was just learning to live in a more seriously spiritual environment. I went through periods of questioning what I actually believed, why I did what I did, and if God really did exist. I think that's a normal part of growing up, but I'm glad I was at a place where the staff could answer my questions logically and truthfully.
- What have you learned here that has changed your life?
Most of what I have learned has been through canvassing, and having personal conversations with my teachers. I honestly don't remember much of what I've heard in the classroom, sadly; I've just been trying to push through college so I can graduate without seeming retarded for taking five years instead of four.
**
Raquel, do you think other people are retarded for taking longer to do a four-year degree?
Well, it's called a four-year degree for a reason! That's the amount of time they've given you, and don't you think they tried to pick a reasonable time frame? If people can't keep up, then they just aren't good enough...
Just like you, huh?
Ouch. ...Yea, I guess.
Is that really helping you, to feel bad for taking longer? Is it helping you get through any faster?
No....
Then stop judging yourself and other people. You have the whole rest of your life ahead of you. It's better for you to be wise and only take as many credits as you can handle without freaking out then to foolishly push yourself to exhaustion and graduate half-dead.
Ok, but I still feel dumb.
Sigh...
**
Honestly, I'm not sure how to put into words what I've learned at OHC, and sometimes I wonder if I've really learned anything. I'm still not sure why I have gone to a school where I cannot really pursue the learning I want. I don't know where my life is going, or how my past fits into my future.
I guess the only thing I can say is that I used to be a very angry, depressed, anxiety-ridden, selfish person and now I'm much happier, more peaceful, and less selfish.
Much of that change I attribute to the lessons I've learned while working with God, struggling with truth, and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.
All I can say is that now I know God much better than I did before coming to OHC. And honestly, I consider that worth the loss of my dreams.
"But whatsoever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ..."
(Philippians 3:7,8)
- Thanks for talking with me.
Anytime. : )
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