Love Unshakeable
Oops. I hadn't meant to publish yet.
Anyways,
Ready for a candid one-sided conversation with Raquel?
Ok. : )
I was writing a different train of thought, but I interrupted myself and got really distracted with this new idea.
What happened was, I was interviewing myself about why I came to college at Ouachita Hills and -don't worry; I'll still write about that- I got interested in thinking about this other topic, and wanted to talk about it instead.
So I was writing about my self like I am some other person, and I said,
"Hopefully it doesn't creep anyone out to hear me talk about myself in third person...
Now that I put a finger on it, I actually always think about myself in third person. Maybe that's why I usually feel so detached."
-Pause- (This is where I got derailed)
Am I the only person who thinks about themselves in third-person??
No....there's no way.
But is it normal?
Or, is it wrong?
Does that mean I have issues?
Well, I know I have issues.
Ok, I have to stop taking myself so seriously.
(Now I go off on a tangent, which I ended up making into this blog post.)
But really, this is something that I've been wondering about for a while. I used to be where I was a complete person...but that was when I was a little kid. I knew what I wanted, what I liked, what I thought, how I felt, and so on. Then something mysterious happened, and I separated myself into different pieces of a person. I took my mind, abilities and social skills and kept them, but I rejected my emotions as strange, unacceptable, incriminating, and even dangerous.
Feeling hurts. A lot.
Um...this is really vulnerable to talk about.
I know everyone has emotions, but to talk about them seems kind of taboo. Or soft. Or whatever, I don't know. People just don't talk about their emotional state unless they are talking to a therapist. Or unless they are giving a workshop on how to heal from a turbulent childhood.
Maybe that's because people don't like to feel vulnerable?
We like to hold our cards close. Don't want others to see our hearts, because we don't want to be hurt.
It's true. I'm like that. You're like that. We only really open up to people we think we can trust not to hurt us; people we hope will love us for who we are.
Maybe that's wrong? I don't know; I'm just throwing it out there.
Maybe being vulnerable is a golden key to unlocking our ability to love, really, truly love with our whole hearts.
That sounds really good. In fact, I have someone definitely in mind that I really really want to love.
Sweet, kind, thoughtful, caring, talented, whatever; they are an all-around amazing person. I think that if I can love that person, they will love me back, and we'll be great friends forever. My heart will be completed, and I will have a lovely rest of my life.
Ok, right. That sounds great.
But what about all the rest of the people in your life? What about the ones who irritate you, the ones you just don't have anything in common with? What about the ones no one else hangs out with, the ones whose timing and social skills are just a little bit...lacking?
WHAT ABOUT ALL THE STUPID, MEAN, HEARTLESS PEOPLE YOU KNOW?
Oh, yea. I'm sure their mom loves them...
Little secret here: I'm actually a stupid, mean, heartless person who irritates others, has nothing in common with some, and has terrible social skills and timing. So are you.
So let's not separate ourselves from all the terrible people out there. We're them, too.
But Jesus loves us.
Jesus' heart is big enough to love every single being that has ever existed.
Do you realize that? Really?
Do you realize just how terrible you actually are? And how much He actually loves you?
I know I don't. If I did, I would be absolutely crazy about Jesus, talking about Him constantly, and driving everyone up the wall (towards heaven, of course).
My problem is that I keep telling myself that I actually deserve to be loved. I keep hoping for it, trying to do my best to be a good person and do everything right so that God will love me and not burn me up.
The truth is that I'm really quite self-centered, vain, prideful, sarcastic, over-confident, and just a generally bad person. I'm not anything like Jesus, and sometimes I don't even want to be.
I just want to take care of myself, be safe in my little unemotional bubble, and not have to answer to anyone. I'm not a nice person.
Actually, I'm a sinner.
Perfect! That's exactly who Jesus is after.
His whole heart is determined to win mine. That sounds extremely frightening to me at this point, but honestly, I'm tired of being an empty shell. I'm tired of being a shadow, a sinner, a ghost.
Although it's really scary, I actually sort of want to be a whole person, even if that means being vulnerable and letting God love me.
For example:
For the past many several years I have had a recurring nightmare in which someone is persistently chasing me. It's always the same one, but I don't know who it is or what he wants with me. All I know is that I'm afraid. So I run, I jump, I fly, I do anything to get away from him.
The nightmare is not that he catches me, because he hasn't yet; it's just that he is so incredibly patient, persistent, and determined to catch me.
I guess now that I think about it, the root cause of my fear is that I'm not worth being pursued, or that I am.
It's taken a few years, but the dream has gotten more clear where I realize that the one who is chasing me is not being selfish or seeking my hurt, he just knows something about me...something that I'm afraid of.
Maybe I am loved?
Even though I'm a terrible person, maybe someone else has counted me worth his love?
That's the nightmare. Who is that person, and why is he chasing me??
(Don't worry; this will make more sense in a second)
I'm a messed-up person. I shouldn't be thinking like this, or having these feelings. However, I'm willing to guess there's other people who can relate. I'm writing for you. I understand the ultimate terror and irresistible pull of love. I've always been scared to death of falling in love, primarily because I don't want to lose my brain, but also because it requires so much. It wants your whole heart, even the broken parts. Love wants your faults, your failures, your mistakes.
But at the same time, I'm obsessed with love. I want to know what it is, to experience it for myself. I want to love with complete abandon.
But I've always been a little disturbed with the idea of falling in love with Jesus. It seems slightly sacreligious, and a little bit extreme. Right? How does a guy fall in love with Jesus? That's kind of weird...
I'm a girl, though. Can't I just love God like a father? Can He just be my Best Friend? Do I actually have to fall in love? I'm scared. Can't I just wait for the perfect human guy to find me?
(Don't worry, I've realized that he doesn't exist. Nobody is perfect.)
It's dawned on me that perhaps it's not human love I've been missing.
It's divine.
It's not about romance or human affection! This is not about wanting to fall in love with someone and get married. It's much bigger, so much bigger than that. This is about divine Love in pursuit of my torn, shriveled-up heart.
God is after me. He doesn't just want an intellectual assent to let Him into my heart. He doesn't just want my best. God is the one who is patiently, persistently, determinedly chasing me down.
He wants me,
For real, I'm so about to scream right now. It's really scary.
Yes. It's true. It's my life. I don't know why God is after me, or what he's going to do with me if I let Him catch me.
I'm right in the middle of this journey, this battle, this restoration.
Maybe you are too, I don't know.
Keep going, let's not stop now.
He's going to accomplish what He started in us.
He's so persistent! I've asked Him to leave me alone, to stop chasing me, to just put me out of my misery and move on to another less damaged person. But it was more of the grabbing-His-feet-and-begging-Him-to-leave sort of request.
God knows.
He knows, and He loves.
Anyways,
Ready for a candid one-sided conversation with Raquel?
Ok. : )
I was writing a different train of thought, but I interrupted myself and got really distracted with this new idea.
What happened was, I was interviewing myself about why I came to college at Ouachita Hills and -don't worry; I'll still write about that- I got interested in thinking about this other topic, and wanted to talk about it instead.
So I was writing about my self like I am some other person, and I said,
"Hopefully it doesn't creep anyone out to hear me talk about myself in third person...
Now that I put a finger on it, I actually always think about myself in third person. Maybe that's why I usually feel so detached."
-Pause- (This is where I got derailed)
Am I the only person who thinks about themselves in third-person??
No....there's no way.
But is it normal?
Or, is it wrong?
Does that mean I have issues?
Well, I know I have issues.
Ok, I have to stop taking myself so seriously.
(Now I go off on a tangent, which I ended up making into this blog post.)
But really, this is something that I've been wondering about for a while. I used to be where I was a complete person...but that was when I was a little kid. I knew what I wanted, what I liked, what I thought, how I felt, and so on. Then something mysterious happened, and I separated myself into different pieces of a person. I took my mind, abilities and social skills and kept them, but I rejected my emotions as strange, unacceptable, incriminating, and even dangerous.
Feeling hurts. A lot.
Um...this is really vulnerable to talk about.
I know everyone has emotions, but to talk about them seems kind of taboo. Or soft. Or whatever, I don't know. People just don't talk about their emotional state unless they are talking to a therapist. Or unless they are giving a workshop on how to heal from a turbulent childhood.
Maybe that's because people don't like to feel vulnerable?
We like to hold our cards close. Don't want others to see our hearts, because we don't want to be hurt.
It's true. I'm like that. You're like that. We only really open up to people we think we can trust not to hurt us; people we hope will love us for who we are.
Maybe that's wrong? I don't know; I'm just throwing it out there.
Maybe being vulnerable is a golden key to unlocking our ability to love, really, truly love with our whole hearts.
That sounds really good. In fact, I have someone definitely in mind that I really really want to love.
Sweet, kind, thoughtful, caring, talented, whatever; they are an all-around amazing person. I think that if I can love that person, they will love me back, and we'll be great friends forever. My heart will be completed, and I will have a lovely rest of my life.
Ok, right. That sounds great.
But what about all the rest of the people in your life? What about the ones who irritate you, the ones you just don't have anything in common with? What about the ones no one else hangs out with, the ones whose timing and social skills are just a little bit...lacking?
WHAT ABOUT ALL THE STUPID, MEAN, HEARTLESS PEOPLE YOU KNOW?
Oh, yea. I'm sure their mom loves them...
Little secret here: I'm actually a stupid, mean, heartless person who irritates others, has nothing in common with some, and has terrible social skills and timing. So are you.
So let's not separate ourselves from all the terrible people out there. We're them, too.
But Jesus loves us.
Jesus' heart is big enough to love every single being that has ever existed.
Do you realize that? Really?
Do you realize just how terrible you actually are? And how much He actually loves you?
I know I don't. If I did, I would be absolutely crazy about Jesus, talking about Him constantly, and driving everyone up the wall (towards heaven, of course).
My problem is that I keep telling myself that I actually deserve to be loved. I keep hoping for it, trying to do my best to be a good person and do everything right so that God will love me and not burn me up.
The truth is that I'm really quite self-centered, vain, prideful, sarcastic, over-confident, and just a generally bad person. I'm not anything like Jesus, and sometimes I don't even want to be.
I just want to take care of myself, be safe in my little unemotional bubble, and not have to answer to anyone. I'm not a nice person.
Actually, I'm a sinner.
Perfect! That's exactly who Jesus is after.
His whole heart is determined to win mine. That sounds extremely frightening to me at this point, but honestly, I'm tired of being an empty shell. I'm tired of being a shadow, a sinner, a ghost.
Although it's really scary, I actually sort of want to be a whole person, even if that means being vulnerable and letting God love me.
For example:
For the past many several years I have had a recurring nightmare in which someone is persistently chasing me. It's always the same one, but I don't know who it is or what he wants with me. All I know is that I'm afraid. So I run, I jump, I fly, I do anything to get away from him.
The nightmare is not that he catches me, because he hasn't yet; it's just that he is so incredibly patient, persistent, and determined to catch me.
I guess now that I think about it, the root cause of my fear is that I'm not worth being pursued, or that I am.
It's taken a few years, but the dream has gotten more clear where I realize that the one who is chasing me is not being selfish or seeking my hurt, he just knows something about me...something that I'm afraid of.
Maybe I am loved?
Even though I'm a terrible person, maybe someone else has counted me worth his love?
That's the nightmare. Who is that person, and why is he chasing me??
(Don't worry; this will make more sense in a second)
I'm a messed-up person. I shouldn't be thinking like this, or having these feelings. However, I'm willing to guess there's other people who can relate. I'm writing for you. I understand the ultimate terror and irresistible pull of love. I've always been scared to death of falling in love, primarily because I don't want to lose my brain, but also because it requires so much. It wants your whole heart, even the broken parts. Love wants your faults, your failures, your mistakes.
But at the same time, I'm obsessed with love. I want to know what it is, to experience it for myself. I want to love with complete abandon.
But I've always been a little disturbed with the idea of falling in love with Jesus. It seems slightly sacreligious, and a little bit extreme. Right? How does a guy fall in love with Jesus? That's kind of weird...
I'm a girl, though. Can't I just love God like a father? Can He just be my Best Friend? Do I actually have to fall in love? I'm scared. Can't I just wait for the perfect human guy to find me?
(Don't worry, I've realized that he doesn't exist. Nobody is perfect.)
It's dawned on me that perhaps it's not human love I've been missing.
It's divine.
It's not about romance or human affection! This is not about wanting to fall in love with someone and get married. It's much bigger, so much bigger than that. This is about divine Love in pursuit of my torn, shriveled-up heart.
God is after me. He doesn't just want an intellectual assent to let Him into my heart. He doesn't just want my best. God is the one who is patiently, persistently, determinedly chasing me down.
He wants me,
For real, I'm so about to scream right now. It's really scary.
Yes. It's true. It's my life. I don't know why God is after me, or what he's going to do with me if I let Him catch me.
I'm right in the middle of this journey, this battle, this restoration.
Maybe you are too, I don't know.
Keep going, let's not stop now.
He's going to accomplish what He started in us.
He's so persistent! I've asked Him to leave me alone, to stop chasing me, to just put me out of my misery and move on to another less damaged person. But it was more of the grabbing-His-feet-and-begging-Him-to-leave sort of request.
God knows.
He knows, and He loves.
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