Healing is a Process

   

"God? Are you there? Why aren't You answering my prayer?"

Silence.

Why doesn't God answer? Why doesn't He do what He says He will do?
Am I so different, so alienated from the rest of humanity that He cannot hear me? Cannot help me?

Hagar was mistreated and forced from her home. God found her and saved her. She called Him "the God who sees me".

What about me? Does God see me? Or am I not Egyptian enough?

The children of Israel are in Egypt, groaning because of their oppression. They cry out to God and he hears them, and He knows what they are going through. He sends them a deliverer.

Maybe I'm not slaving away enough? Maybe my circumstances aren't bad enough?

Maybe I'm making everything up in my head.

David watered his couch with his tears. On the other hand, I have a hard time letting the tears come. Maybe that's why God doesn't help me like He helped David?

I know this doesn't really make sense to most people, but it does in the mind of someone who thinks they need to do something to earn God's help.

It's like I need to send in an application with an experience history, references, and an essay about why I feel qualified for the position to be helped. The problem is, I know if I did send in such an application, I would not be the best qualified. I would not be chosen to receive aid. I haven't been good enough of the time, nor have I sinned so badly that I obviously require rescuing.

I may not be in literal slavery, forced to get pregnant to carry on my master's name, or running from an assassin, but I still need God...a lot.

And I'm not really sure how to believe that He will help me.

I've asked, surrendered, plead, begged, cried, claimed, believed - you name it.
I've drunk water, gotten lots of sleep, eaten organic vegan food for most of my life, memorized chapters of Scripture, learned most of the SDA Hymnal by memory, worn skirts, exercised, never drank coffee, never kissed a boy, never cursed, never smoked or drank or did anything illicit, and still don't feel like I've gained God's approval.

It's all a lie, that doing that stuff makes God notice you more.

It's also a lie that doing that by doing that stuff you can pull yourself out of depression and anxiety.
For one thing, when you are depressed and anxious, you don't even have the strength to do what will help you.

You have to be rescued. When that depression and anxiety comes from misbeliefs about God and wounds from your past, you need to be healed.

And that's something that God does...

So why isn't He doing that for me? Why am I praying and not finding relief anywhere?
I sink down into silence because He does not speak, does not touch me.

Am I not noticeable enough? Should I go do something terrible...like wear a miniskirt?... and then He'll notice me and help me? (I can't do something really terrible, or else He'll might completely reject me because I knew better)

I think my heart is dark through a misapprehension of God. I've been told He's different than that, but never been able to fully believe it.

I'm not writing to be inspirational and show how a walk with God should look. I'm obviously not quite where I should be having been raised as a conservative Adventist, and maybe I should stay quiet until I am a beacon of light for the struggling world around me. But really, just like reading the blogs of those beacons of light hasn't helped me, I'm not sure it would help you either if you didn't know where I've been.

I'm learning in my training as a teacher to visually show the steps to solving a problem, instead of just writing the problem and then the answer. The only way to help most students is to show, not just tell them exactly how I got from the the problem to the solution. They need that step-by-step evidence on the board to refer back to in solving their own problems.

 I'm just being honest about my experience and giving Him the opportunity to change my life. And I'm writing about it on a public blog that gets views from around the world because I want you to see God in action. I want you to see God's work in solving my problem step-by-step.

And you can see that I have some faith that He will solve it. I guess I'm kind of putting Him on the spot, but since He rather publicly said He would come through for anyone ("to the uttermost"), I guess He can handle the pressure. I'm pretty importunate at this point. 

And even though I want everything to be fixed RIGHT NOW, I'm going to let Him do it His way and in His time. Even a small injury that took about a second to receive often takes days to heal.
This is because healing is a process that works from the inside-out. Washing out a cut and putting a Bandaid on it is not what heals the cut. It takes time for broken things to be restored, especially broken minds and hearts.

So...this is my story, before it's finished. It may be that in five years I look back and see that God was healing me the whole time. It may be that tomorrow I suddenly realize that God does love me.
It may be that something miraculous will happen, and God will show Himself to me.

I'm just waiting now. I know none of my good behavior is going to fix me. I know that God must have heard me in spite of my much speaking. I'm not going to panic, wondering if I'm pleasing Him enough. I'm not expecting a quick fix anymore.

I've realized my need, I've asked for help. Now it's in His hands. Either He will respond or He won't, but I'm going to wait for my change to come.