What If God?

Why don't we focus on the light, instead of the scratches on our windshields?

I have always been a questioner, and very likely to be skeptical of anything I can't poke at and take apart. I have always wanted to know how something works, and what will happen if it doesn't work. Most of all, I want to know why, and by continuing to question things that simply require faith, I hold myself back from trust and an abundant life.

When I am at peace with God and myself, I tend to assume the most positive answers to my questions. When I am not at peace, I assume the worst.

I work myself into a train of thought that constantly asks, "What if?"

"What if everything I thought I knew was wrong?"

"What if the worst thing happens?"

"What if -?"

And it drives me crazy, the constant doubting. I want to believe abstract truth, but I wait for the physical proof. However, just like the disciple Thomas, I probably wouldn't even believe if Christ was standing right in front of me.
I think that I need people to show me what God is like. I wait for those who are supposed to be faithful to prove His love to me. But I can't even accept their kindness because I still question God's love.

I don't really need more evidence. I just need to choose to believe, whether or not my questions are answered. This is a lesson I've struggled with my whole life. Now I'm just beginning to realize that the circumstances in my life I've kicked against the hardest have been just the opportunities I needed to learn faith. When I'm pushed into a place where I must give up on all my ideas of happiness and success, the blessings of obedience to God look a lot more appealing. When there's nothing I want more than peace of mind, I'm willing to give up all my preconceived ideas of what I think I need for happiness.

And it dawns on me that God really has been faithful the whole time. When I'm rolled up in a little ball of misery and worry over the fate of my own little dreams, He's right there with me. He never leaves in disgust at my reticence to trust. He stays constant, consistent, always offering evidence of His love - even when I'm too blind to see it.

We all have our own own battle against self and sin, but Jesus' love is enough to make each of us a conqueror. He won't force us to win, but He offers victory to everyone who is willing to surrender to His methods of fighting. I believe that He will win the war against sin in my life and in your life, too.

It didn't make sense. It was so hard to believe. God still wants me even after I've said I hate Him?
He hasn't given up on me? I mean, I've broken all the commandments, I've hurt others and myself, and I KNEW better! Why?
Why?? Who is this God? He's not who I thought He was.

And though it seemed crazy to accept it, I have. God really is incomprehensible. He does love me, though I don't deserve it. I don't believe it because it makes sense to me, but because I choose to have faith in His word.

And now, instead of worrying about the worst, I find myself asking, "What if God is faithful?"

"What if He actually does love me?"

"What if I'm not alone?"

"What if there is hope for me?"

"What if EVERYTHING IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE OK?"

The past month has been a very life-changing one for me. All my ideas about life are being challenged and reshaped. I've had very long and emotional conversations with several different people over the past few weeks as God helps me to evaluate my heart and my ways of thinking.
Often this has meant loosing a lot of sleep, and in the past, that has meant feeling sorry for myself and slacking off in my daily work. Now I don't have that option. Now I cannot just sleep in when I'm tired. This is good, because I'm realizing just how much I can do in Christ's strength.

I'm leaving the house one morning after another night of only a few hours of sleep. Joyce looks up from her devotions as I walk past, and says, "I don't know how you do it."
I don't know how I do it, either. I'm learning so much about what is possible for my life. 
I smile with a little skip in my heart, "I just pray..." And I believe that God loves me, though I don't deserve it. 
She shakes her head kindly, "Well, be careful."
"I will," I open the front door, bracing against the cold air.
 "Love you," she says, in goodbye.

I automatically start to doubt. Really? Why -?

But then I remember my choice to believe. And I smile, shyly.

"I love you too." the words are quiet and said over my shoulder, but they are from my heart. 

I love You, Lord. And I trust that it's safe for me to love others, too.

As I drive to work, instead of worrying, my mind is preoccupied with thinking over the possibility of believing Jesus' love. Not because of what Joyce has said, but because when I opened the Bible that morning to a "random" place, my eyes fell on the words,  

"I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you..."*

 And my heart skipped, knowing what came next. I forced myself to continue reading, though I had often turned away from the next words in skepticism and pain.

 "...Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you..."

Instead of physically turning away in indication of internal disbelief, I made myself continue to look at the words and believe them. These words are for me. They must be. They are! This is God saying this to me, and it's real. 

And strangely, instead of reading the next words as coming from God, I heard them coming in release from my own heart - a response to Him. 

 "...I give men in return for You,
    peoples in exchange for Your life..."

I want Him and His life so much more than my own ideas of happiness. I don't need to do things my way. I don't need to be allowed to live catering to my level of comfort. Doing what I want, thinking what I want, saying what I want isn't important anymore. It's rather lonely, anyway.

And I don't need to wait for people to make me believe God's love. They have tried over and over again, and that hasn't been what changed me. It's been Jesus Himself that's changed me. God is real, and He is love. 

What if God forgives? He does. 

What if God comforts? He does.

What if God heals? He does. 

What if God gives? He does. 

I am safe now. 

This skeptic has released her death grip on the fragile weapons of human reason and let herself be won over by incomprehensible truth.

I believe. Not that it will always feel good. I know it won't. But I also know that true happiness is only found in trusting in His love. The war is not over, but this battle is. 

Thank you for your prayers on my behalf. God is so incredibly merciful. 

He loves, and His love is trustworthy. 

*Isaiah 43:3