I Will Never Let You Fall

I wrote down this conversation a few months ago, when I was going through a difficult time. I took the specific details of my situation out to make this conversation more applicable to others. Although He was speaking to me, I'm sure He would say the same thing to you, if you are also fighting to trust. Sometimes we have to get to the point of desperation before we start to be real with God. It may seem like disrespect, and you may fear that He will respond in anger, but He won't. 

Always remember that Jesus loves to have REAL conversations with us about the very things we struggle with. Jesus' words, as I heard them, are written in italics in this conversation. 

(I know it probably seems like my life is always in chaos, but it's really mostly internal. I am just sharing how Jesus helps me when I am struggling. Externally, my life is very blessed. My fight is in the mind.)

Lord Jesus,

I don’t want to write, because my thoughts are so dark that it’s frightening to express them.

I am so full of doubts and perplexities, I feel like I’m spiraling down into oblivion.

Am I going crazy? Or is there a deep problem that I’m not aware of?

Isn’t that the same thing?

My mood goes up and down so sporadically, but it’s mostly down. I feel numb about my life. Not motivated to do anything except out of fear.

I feel totally out of control, like my thoughts are too strong for me to bring under reason.

Are You there? I keep calling out, and it seems like my voice just echoes.

I read the Bible, desperately looking for peace, and do not obtain it.

Am I lost forever?

No. If I were, I wouldn’t care right now.

But why aren’t You saving me?

I AM.

But my moods keep shifting! I have one little tiny spurt of happiness, and quickly the habit of worry takes over and shuts it down. I want to be free, but I’m afraid of being free. I’m afraid that if I truly could trust You, You wouldn’t come through for me.

I doesn’t seem like You have. Yes, there have been times when I’ve been free and at peace, but then I sink under again.

Especially the last few years…they’ve been so tumultuous. I’ve developed such strong habits of overthinking, isolating, worrying, self-preservation. Except now I’m realizing that I can’t trust myself. I don’t know where to turn anymore.

Is this where I have to go in order to let go and fully let You save me?

Do I need to come to the place where I’m so unsure of myself that I really don’t care to do my own thing anymore?

Is this what it takes for You to save me? Is this part of Your plan?

Why am I going through so much mental turmoil? My life isn’t even that bad…

It’s all in my head, isn’t it?

Or is this spiritual warfare? Is this happening because something really good is up ahead?

Maybe so, maybe so.

The only thing that sort of makes me feel more alive and comforted is this habit of daydreaming.

I do not find solace and peace in Jesus right now. I’ve tried…and reading the Bible, praying, talking to people…doesn’t really help. It seems like I’m just left alone eventually with my self and my fears.

What am I afraid of?

I’m afraid that everything I’ve believed about God was wrong, that He’s completely outside of what I thought.

Maybe that’s a good thing. You never related well to Him, anyway. Maybe if you realize what He’s actually like, everything will make sense?

What if He doesn’t love me?

What if He has completely forsaken me? That’s what I feel like.

Jesus, You felt like this too. What helped You hang on?

The joy that was set before Me.

Yea, though I go through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.

Why do I keep going through this cycle of fear, faith, doubt, acceptance, pulling away..

I remember your frame. I’m patient with you. I am not condemning you.

But I should have been free of this a long time ago. I know the keys to getting free. I have them in my hand. I guess I just don’t believe enough.

Without Me, ye can do nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing. I am the One Who sustains you, who gives you breath, a heartbeat, a mind, consciousness, and senses. I am the One Who created you. Who are you to say that I have made a mistake? I gave you the ability to love, to make choices, to think clearly, to articulate your thoughts. I WANT ABOVE ALL THINGS FOR YOU TO PROSPER AND BE IN GOOD HEALTH.

I LOVE YOU, RAQUEL.

WHO ARE YOU TO SAY THAT YOUR LIFE IS NOT RIGHT? THAT YOU MUST HAVE _______ IN YOUR LIFE IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY? THAT IF EVERYTHING WENT YOUR WAY THEN IT WOULD BE FINE?

WHO ARE YOU?

WOULD YOU JUST STOP STRIVING WITH ME? I AM GOD.

I want the best for you. I can make that happen, if you let me.

No. Stop trying to rationalize. You are not aware of all the factors that play into this. You must accept what I have given to you as what is best.

Who are you to say that I do not care? That I am not strong enough to save? That I am not here?

You think you can make My word void, just by what you think, by how you feel?

Who says the veracity of My word is based on your perception of it?

I AM the LORD, therefore I DO NOT CHANGE.

I have loved you with an everlasting love. It does not flicker like your love does. It does not depend on your reciprocation.

It’s just there. It will never go away.

I want you to live with Me forever. I’m not afflicting you willingly, but because you asked to be saved.

I want you to be happy. Your idea of happiness is based on a flimsy daydream, and if I am going to make you truly happy, I have to change the way you think about happiness.

You are stubborn, Raquel. You think the brain I’ve given you knows best. You think you can figure everything out to please Me.

You think I’ve been ultimately unfair towards you. Go ahead, be angry.

I don’t understand! Why did you bring ________ into my life, only to take ______ away?

Why do you let people give me all these different opinions on what I should do?

Why do you keep asking people?

.........

Do you trust Me to give you the best?

No. Because I didn’t see that You gave me the best in the past. That’s why I doubt You. That’s why I feel like You don’t love me, or that You’re not powerful enough to help me.

Who says that I was the One Who hurt you?

So why did you let it happen? Why?

I will heal you.

That’s Your answer?

I will heal you.

Raquel, please. Just give Me a chance.

Will you?

I wasn’t the One Who hurt you. 

Please don’t reject Me. I’m the only One Who can help you.

Let Me be different than what you’ve believed. Find out Who I really am.

Let Me help you.

Ok. Please. Please. Just don’t let me down.

I will never let you fall.