Sanctuary Found

     

Wet evening

Water hemlock, or something. Pretty, but deadly. 

One of those moments when you go to smell or handle a flower and suddenly realize there's a bug on it!

 The evening sky spread hazily over me as I left the driveway and walked quickly up the road. I was tired, but mentally so; I still had the physical energy to go exploring. And even more than energy, I felt the evening was literally yanking me out of the house. It had just rained, the intense humidity of the afternoon had eased, and the sun was spearing through yellow streaks just above the pines. The air was calm, and the sound of a distant airplane hummed above my sharp footsteps.

        After following the road for a few hundred feet, I stopped and hesitantly surveyed the tall grass and weeds up the hillside on my left. Wet grass mildly deters me, but the wilderness was calling, and I couldn’t resist. With a sigh, I hopped over the muddy ditch, and pushed through the damp strands of grass and flowers. Fuzzy mullein plants shone with moisture, and I knew this was where the deer grazed. I noticed where the grass had been pushed down by large bodies. 1, 2…7, 8…11, 12, 13 round areas of flattened grass. It must be a large herd. A nearby whistling snort made me look up, and I caught a glimpse of white fur flashing as a deer leaped into the forest. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to chase you!” I smiled and picked my way back down to the road, 

       The uphill curve of road beckoned, and I hurried, trying to figure out where I was supposed to be going. A mimosa intertwined its slender, pink puff-covered branches with a pine’s, and a wild grape hung from the pine’s fingertips. I barely noticed in the hurry to reach the top of the hill and figure out where I was going. I came to the fork in the road and started away from campus. I had barely gone a few steps when I looked up and saw in a clearing beside the road - a thin pine tree, bent over so far its top almost reached the ground. I eagerly left the road again and jumped for the top of the tree. After a few unsuccessful attempts that left me with only a handful of pine needles, I managed to read a little higher and grabbed a branch. Pulling with all my strength and weight, I got hold of the tip of the tree and hung there for a few moments as the tree drooped towards the ground. It didn’t end up being as fun as I anticipated; the bark dug into my palms painfully and the tree didn’t seem inclined to stand up and throw me over its head like I had imagined. I let go disappointedly and watched the tree bounce off the cornflower blue sky.

       The logged clearing had been so ugly and destroyed a few years ago, but now in June, the forest had gracefully taken over and covered the man-made desolation with a blanket of green. I hastily scouted around the perimeter of the clearing and beheld exactly what I was looking for – a path into the forest. With a mild urgency, I skirted around clumps of tall grass and hidden stumps, looking ahead, wondering. The path closed behind me as I walked faster and started to run. The grass was easier to manage as I jumped over it. I understood why the deer leap instead of just run through.

      The trail lead mysteriously on as I ducked under weeping boughs of pine and sweet gum. The crickets chirred around me and the clouds hummed subtly overhead. My eyes scanned the ground furiously, to make sure I wasn’t stepping on a snake while I ran. Beside me, shades of deep green blurred together with softer lighter green until I was no longer aware of individual bushes and trees. The forest was taking me in, inviting me to discover a hidden treasure.

         And just ahead, I saw it under an arching sapling – a glimpse of open land. I rushed forward, ducked wildly under the sapling, and stopped as if I had hit a brick wall. A tiny virgin clearing spread before me, oblong and covered in tall grass. It had not ever been logged; the ground was free of stumps and wood chips. Tiny while flowers adorned the ground by my feet. The pines stood solemnly all around, guarding their precious secret. My wondering gasp broke the sweet stillness, “I think I’ve found my sanctuary!”

        I reverently waded out into the space, surveying its boundaries. A couple of other paths led out from the perimeter, but my curiosity to explore had vanished. Instead, deep realization flooded over my soul that I had found what I had been unconsciously looking for. I needed a place to be with God, away from everywhere I had ever been before, away from all the familiar places.

       I carefully went back to the opening of my path and sat in the grass. My restless thoughts roiled like water over the stove. I picked out one word appearing repeatedly at the top before it was pushed down by more anxious thoughts. 

Quiet,

quiet, 

quiet.

The title of a song rose to the surface, “Still, my soul, be still…”

Quiet...

quiet,

quiet.

Still, my soul!

And I slowed down. I tilted my head back and observed the sky. Pink candy clouds drifted lazily above the circle of pines. A bird twittered cheerfully in the bushes behind me. A tiny drop of liquid sugar hit my skin and I watched as others soaked into my clothes. The air was sweet with peace and a gentle vibrancy. It was the kind of atmosphere that gets into you and makes you want to strip off all your cares with abandon to dance with the wild rhythm of joy. I half-heartedly let the moment slip through my fingers, as my mind turned back to the longing… the silence, the confusion.

“God? …Are you here?”

Yes, I am here.

And softly, the lyrics to a hymn were sung in my ear.

“Be still, my soul. The Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; in every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still my soul. Thy best, thy heavenly Friend through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.”

I waited a moment, then stood slowly and left the clearing. I didn’t want to give my heart another chance to speak; instead I focused on finding a clear path through the overgrown trail. I didn’t understand and I certainly didn’t feel still, but my soul had found a moment of rest from the ceaseless battle. I didn’t want to give it room to cherish self-pity. I ran back to the original clearing, forcing myself to use the rest of my spent energy. The moon shone like a silver ball behind me, and the cotton candy clouds floated towards it. A lone cicada rasped and twisted close by. I walked beneath a spreading mimosa and remembered I was by myself too. Then a voice spoke beside me,

You’ll never walk alone.

His presence surrounded me like a soft light, shielding me. I realized that He was still with me, and I smiled. Instead of wondering about time and distance, I relaxed and dwelt in the moment. I took a deep breath and smelled wet earth. I opened my ears and the music of the stream and the dripping forest poured in. I embraced the forest, the un-mowed hill, and the road stretching before me. Dark blue puffs slowly crossed the hazy violet blue sky ahead of me. The evening was slipping under the covers of night as I crunched slowly up the driveway.

And I knew that though my circumstances had not changed, God was with me in the storm. I could remember that reality as I faced the days ahead.