I Would Rather Be Canvassing

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Last summer I had a decision to make. I had to decide if I was going to work at summer camp or if I was going to canvass. I asked a lot of people for their opinion, prayed about it, and wrote down the pros and cons of each option to aid me in making the right decision. 

Summer Camp: 

+ horses!!!
+ horses!!!
+ kids
+ different atmosphere than OHC ( I thought that would be nice at the time)
+ schedule allowing nap time : ) 
+ lots of variety and fun things to do
+ horses!!!

- less chance for spiritual growth
- possibly less income

Canvassing:

+ guaranteed spiritual growth 
+ more money

- no nap time!
- exhausting work 
- not fun 
- what if I don't make it the whole summer? 

So I decided to work at camp. It was about what I was expecting; all the pros hand cons were there. I came home dissatisfied with a simple country lifestyle and the spiritual emphasis that pervaded. I felt trapped again, and unable to really let loose and be myself and have fun. I wanted to leave my degree at school and go to a different school where I could pursue music and other things I was really interested in.  (A school where I wouldn't have to canvass anymore, where I could just get in debt like everyone else.)

I lost my focus, as my mom called it. 
(as annoying as that was, it was true.)

The school year passed and I stayed at OHC, because wiser people than I helped me to think back to when God called me there and see how He had not called me to leave yet. 

Spring came along again and with it the same quandary: canvassing, or camp? 

This time I had been asked to be the head wrangler at camp, the most attractive job to me besides...well, nothing, actually. I was excited about the offer, but canvassing still sat in the back of my mind, unhappily waiting for consideration. Anybody that recruited me to their canvassing program I confidently and joyfully turned down, but when I told the camp director I would accept the job, I added that it was on condition nothing else came up. 

I left a back door for canvassing because I knew that although camp was obviously my first choice, I suspected it was not God's first choice. 

And so I told everyone I was working at camp. But I knew I hadn't really asked God's opinion and waited for the answer. 

In February, one evening at Courtesy Banquet, Beth asks me if I want to canvass with her in West Virginia. I hesitate slightly, because I really like Beth and would like to work with her, and then she tells me she needs another female leader. Oo, life just got confusing. face palm. I scowl at her, "Ugh, why did you have to ask me that? I am working at summer camp...and you just made my decision really hard."

She laughed, understood my struggle, and left it at that. 

Then, come April, I am canvassing in Monroe, Louisiana. It is a very emotionally  intense time for me, and I am in the worst depression I've been in since 2010. I have no desire to do anything, and am unable to see past the next two weeks on my life. I want to hide from all people, and feel that I am the worst canvasser ever. 

And Josiah comes to visit the program. 
He asks me again if I would consider being a leader in his summer program. 
(He and Beth are co-leading the same program, since they are engaged) 
He practically begs me to think about it.
I have been thinking about it a lot, of course, and am close to making a decision to back out on camp. The scales are tipping in my mind, but because I am so depressed, I am having a harder time thinking clearly. 

Why should I be asked to lead, when I'm not a perfect canvasser? I don't even like canvassing that much... How can be a good example? 

Long story short, I eventually told Josiah I would work with him and Beth. It didn't make sense to me, and I wasn't happy about it, but I knew it was right. God made it pretty clear what He wanted me to do, and I've learned to trust that His judgment will make me happier in the long run. 

So I've been leading for five weeks now, and just finished my second day of actual  canvassing. 

As I extracted my bag from the back of the van, and walked into the church this evening, a thought bubbled to the top of my head and popped out cheerfully, "I love canvassing!" 

Huh. I love canvassing. Interesting.

No, for real, I really do love canvassing! 

Not because I had a high day.
Not because I didn't meet mean people. 
Not because I didn't get rejected, ever. 
Not because my feet didn't hurt and my shoulders didn't hurt, and my smile didn't get tired. 
Not because I wasn't shy to canvass businesses. 
Not because it wasn't super hot and humid. 

In fact, all those things are what I really like about canvassing! I love the difficulty if it. I love knowing that I'm not working alone, or without a purpose. I like the burn of rejection and how I have to fight my natural tendencies to be discouraged or annoyed.

I especially love how it affords me the perfect battleground to fight my self. 
And when self surrenders and Jesus wins, joy flings the victory banner high. 

I love canvassing. 

I love absolute insanity of it. I'm not the best canvasser; I don't sell lots of books, but I enjoy every blessed, heart-wrenching, sweat-pouring, self-fighting minute of it. Leading is ok, but I like canvassing better. Working with horses and kids is super fun and satisfies my soul- 
But I like canvassing better. 

(If you only knew where I've come from to be able to say that with such confidence... but that's another story for another time.)

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