On Growing Up
The sun is setting, turning to gold the windows on nearby Tuscan-style mansions. Pink streaks of clouds float motionless low in the horizon, just barely cleaning the rolling hills. Colorful hot air balloons drift silently across the dusty blue space between. I step out the door onto the brick patio, and watch the evening arrive. There is no sound but that of distant traffic and a few shy crickets.
An American flag drapes solemnly from a pole, and a TV flickers in the window behind it.
I survey the world around me and focus in on the golf course just beyond the back yard.
I am alone; most likely no one will see me do it. This may be the only chance I get...
And so I do it. I step on the golf course grass with my bare feet, just to see what it feels like.
The grass wasn't that exciting, honestly. It would have been more fun if I could have rolled down one of the gentle hills or jumped into a sand pit. I probably could have done it and gotten away with it...
But I'm almost 22 now, and 22 year olds don't generally do things like that.
I'm sure an average 22 year old wouldn't buy a little red dog with shiny black eyes just because...but of course the reason makes perfect sense to me.
Most 22 year olds probably wouldn't want to ride to church in the back of the pick up truck. (My hair always looks kind of messed up, so it doesn't bother me)
The majority of 22 year olds probably have moved out of their parent's house, seriously dated someone or gotten married, had a baby, or graduated from college. Many of them have dealt with death, divorce, or tragedy. Most of them have tried some kind of harmful substance, gotten addicted to something, or attempted suicide.
I haven't done any of that. I haven't ever even drank coffee.
I have been playing tag with a seven year old for the past week or so. Yesterday I went surfing for the second time with some friends 7 + years younger than me, and had a blast. I've been told twice within the past week that I look like I'm sixteen.
But appearances can be deceiving! I'm almost 22!
Even though I hardly feel like it. It seems more like I've been repeating my 18th year for the past four years.
The big question silently ringing in my ears is this:
AM I STILL GROWING UP?
When do I know that I am grown up?
When I am too busy to let a seven year old tell me jokes?
When I do not find any sort of joy in riding the escalator?
When I don't imagine zip lining down the power lines?
When I don't find it fun to read a book about Legos?
Or will it be when I feel confident in what I'm going to do after I graduate?
Will it be when I'm not afraid to express how I really feel?
Or might it be when I can wake up in the morning happy and carefree?
I doubt most 22 year olds experience those things, actually.
Perhaps growing up and into maturity is completely different than what everyone thinks it is.
Maybe it means meekly letting a strong-willed older woman tell you what to do.
Maybe it involves going outside to play with two lonely Golden Retrievers even though they shed like crazy and jump all over you in their excitement.
Maybe it means practicing your scales so that you can be ready to play the piano whenever someone needs you to.
Perhaps growing up means doing hard things because you have to, and not avoiding the consequences.
Growing up also could entail learning how to communicate clearly and honestly.
It could also mean learning to forgive another person, though they continue their behavior with no sign of change.
Perhaps it means putting the time and effort into training yourself to reverse bad habits.
I don't know; I'm still only 21. I haven't got any idea what goes into growing up, right?
Smiling confidently when you have no idea what you are doing.
Running up a hill.
Paddling bravely towards a wave that's about to break over your head.
Walking quickly towards the future though you can't even see the path ahead of the next step.
Happily talking with someone new, though you are secretly afraid you are very socially awkward.
Getting up in the morning -enough said.
Eating when you are not hungry.
Drinking when you are not thirsty.
Working when you are bored with the job.
Saying something positive when all you can see is the shadows.
Mingling with people when you really want to curl up in a ball and hide.
Staying calm when you really really really feel like freaking out.
(or is that just staying quiet when you really should be saying something?)
Looking people in the eye though you are convinced that you are ugly, awkward, and generally unhelpful. : )
Agreeing to help someone, even though you are not sure you are capable of what they are asking.
Praying and reading the Bible every day, though you don't feel like you are becoming more like Jesus; though everything in life seems to become harder as a result.
As I think about it, I think that growing up has less to do with age, and more to do with learning to do hard things, pushing yourself past your limits, putting absolute faith in a Power outside yourself, and letting go of the petty things that bog down your mind and emotions.
If this is truly so, than I suppose I'm learning to grow up.
Even though I don't look or behave like a normal 22 year old.
An American flag drapes solemnly from a pole, and a TV flickers in the window behind it.
I survey the world around me and focus in on the golf course just beyond the back yard.
I am alone; most likely no one will see me do it. This may be the only chance I get...
And so I do it. I step on the golf course grass with my bare feet, just to see what it feels like.
The grass wasn't that exciting, honestly. It would have been more fun if I could have rolled down one of the gentle hills or jumped into a sand pit. I probably could have done it and gotten away with it...
But I'm almost 22 now, and 22 year olds don't generally do things like that.
I'm sure an average 22 year old wouldn't buy a little red dog with shiny black eyes just because...but of course the reason makes perfect sense to me.
Most 22 year olds probably wouldn't want to ride to church in the back of the pick up truck. (My hair always looks kind of messed up, so it doesn't bother me)
The majority of 22 year olds probably have moved out of their parent's house, seriously dated someone or gotten married, had a baby, or graduated from college. Many of them have dealt with death, divorce, or tragedy. Most of them have tried some kind of harmful substance, gotten addicted to something, or attempted suicide.
I haven't done any of that. I haven't ever even drank coffee.
I have been playing tag with a seven year old for the past week or so. Yesterday I went surfing for the second time with some friends 7 + years younger than me, and had a blast. I've been told twice within the past week that I look like I'm sixteen.
But appearances can be deceiving! I'm almost 22!
Even though I hardly feel like it. It seems more like I've been repeating my 18th year for the past four years.
The big question silently ringing in my ears is this:
AM I STILL GROWING UP?
When do I know that I am grown up?
When I am too busy to let a seven year old tell me jokes?
When I do not find any sort of joy in riding the escalator?
When I don't imagine zip lining down the power lines?
When I don't find it fun to read a book about Legos?
Or will it be when I feel confident in what I'm going to do after I graduate?
Will it be when I'm not afraid to express how I really feel?
Or might it be when I can wake up in the morning happy and carefree?
I doubt most 22 year olds experience those things, actually.
Perhaps growing up and into maturity is completely different than what everyone thinks it is.
Maybe it means meekly letting a strong-willed older woman tell you what to do.
Maybe it involves going outside to play with two lonely Golden Retrievers even though they shed like crazy and jump all over you in their excitement.
Maybe it means practicing your scales so that you can be ready to play the piano whenever someone needs you to.
Perhaps growing up means doing hard things because you have to, and not avoiding the consequences.
Growing up also could entail learning how to communicate clearly and honestly.
It could also mean learning to forgive another person, though they continue their behavior with no sign of change.
Perhaps it means putting the time and effort into training yourself to reverse bad habits.
I don't know; I'm still only 21. I haven't got any idea what goes into growing up, right?
Smiling confidently when you have no idea what you are doing.
Running up a hill.
Paddling bravely towards a wave that's about to break over your head.
Walking quickly towards the future though you can't even see the path ahead of the next step.
Happily talking with someone new, though you are secretly afraid you are very socially awkward.
Getting up in the morning -enough said.
Eating when you are not hungry.
Drinking when you are not thirsty.
Working when you are bored with the job.
Saying something positive when all you can see is the shadows.
Mingling with people when you really want to curl up in a ball and hide.
Staying calm when you really really really feel like freaking out.
(or is that just staying quiet when you really should be saying something?)
Looking people in the eye though you are convinced that you are ugly, awkward, and generally unhelpful. : )
Agreeing to help someone, even though you are not sure you are capable of what they are asking.
Praying and reading the Bible every day, though you don't feel like you are becoming more like Jesus; though everything in life seems to become harder as a result.
As I think about it, I think that growing up has less to do with age, and more to do with learning to do hard things, pushing yourself past your limits, putting absolute faith in a Power outside yourself, and letting go of the petty things that bog down your mind and emotions.
If this is truly so, than I suppose I'm learning to grow up.
Even though I don't look or behave like a normal 22 year old.
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