Confessions of a Student Missionary
What should I write about, today?
It's not always easy to know.
A few years ago, there was a time in my life where I was not doing anything. I had graduated the spring before, taken a four-month internship that fall, gone to GYC in Baltimore, to the Bahamas with my friend, and then come home. Home, to do nothing. It was the second semester of a school year, so I had missed going to college that year, and I had nothing to do. I think I might have worked during that time, but I remember the prevailing feeling was hopelessness and depression. It was a dark time in my life.
There were a few factors involved in that depression, but one of the main problems was jealousy.
While I was at home, doing nothing, I could read people's blogs, see their pictures on Facebook, and find out all about the exciting times they were having. My friends looked infinitely happier, more fulfilled, and focused than I was, and I was jealous. Really jealous.
I wasn't jealous of all the selfies of boyfriend/girlfriends. I wasn't jealous of all the beautiful couples' photo shoots, or announcements of relationships. I wasn't even jealous of friends going out and having a great time. I was jealous of the people who were doing student missionary work.
Those friends blogged about their travels, and all the different things they were experiencing, shared photos of them having a great time with a new culture, and talked about how much closer to God they were becoming through trials. They were growing and maturing so much faster than anyone else, it seemed. I wanted the reality of their experience.
And now I'm here, a student missionary-type in Thailand, and I still feel like others' experiences are more real than mine. Just because I'm in a different country to do some kind of mission work, it doesn't mean that my life is completely different and amazing. This is what I'm discovering so far: it doesn't really matter where you go and what you are doing; discontentment and depression come from within. You bring them with you.
I can be in the most favorable place for spiritual growth and still lose the opportunity.
Just because I came to Thailand and am away from civilization and worldly distractions, it doesn't mean that everything in my life is peaceful and joyous.
Maybe I needed to be away from the busyness so that I could clearly see the faults in my own character. Maybe I needed to come here to finally learn that God seeks to draw me out of my comfort zones so that I can truly begin to trust Him.
I didn't come here so that my friends back at home could read my blog and think of me as a great, self-sacrificing, adventurous person. I'm really not like that at all. I came here not because it was my idea, or because I thought I had something to offer, but because God asked me to go and I'm trying to accept by faith that His will is better than mine.
I guess the next step is to keep trusting that God is working in my life, though I don't feel like I'm becoming a better person.
But really, I won't become any better by searching myself out to see if I'm improving. The only way to truly grow is to focus my thoughts and words on Jesus and His perfection of character.
It looks like David experienced some of the same thoughts, and here is what he concluded:
"The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me:
thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever:
forsake not the works of thine own hands."
-Psalm 138:8
Allowing feelings of jealousy to corrupt my thoughts is against God's law, for He said that I shall not covet. I don't want to make God a liar, so I choose to believe just as David did. God really is perfecting my character through His enduring mercy. He won't forsake me because that's against His own character. God is here in Thailand, too.
Depression is blind, but
"The Lord openeth the eyes of the blind:
the Lord raiseth them that are bowed down:
the Lord loveth the righteous."
Psalms 146:8
Through faith in Jesus' blood, I am acknowledged as righteous before God, so this promise is mine.
It also belongs to anyone who chooses to believe it.
It's not always easy to know.
A few years ago, there was a time in my life where I was not doing anything. I had graduated the spring before, taken a four-month internship that fall, gone to GYC in Baltimore, to the Bahamas with my friend, and then come home. Home, to do nothing. It was the second semester of a school year, so I had missed going to college that year, and I had nothing to do. I think I might have worked during that time, but I remember the prevailing feeling was hopelessness and depression. It was a dark time in my life.
There were a few factors involved in that depression, but one of the main problems was jealousy.
While I was at home, doing nothing, I could read people's blogs, see their pictures on Facebook, and find out all about the exciting times they were having. My friends looked infinitely happier, more fulfilled, and focused than I was, and I was jealous. Really jealous.
I wasn't jealous of all the selfies of boyfriend/girlfriends. I wasn't jealous of all the beautiful couples' photo shoots, or announcements of relationships. I wasn't even jealous of friends going out and having a great time. I was jealous of the people who were doing student missionary work.
Those friends blogged about their travels, and all the different things they were experiencing, shared photos of them having a great time with a new culture, and talked about how much closer to God they were becoming through trials. They were growing and maturing so much faster than anyone else, it seemed. I wanted the reality of their experience.
And now I'm here, a student missionary-type in Thailand, and I still feel like others' experiences are more real than mine. Just because I'm in a different country to do some kind of mission work, it doesn't mean that my life is completely different and amazing. This is what I'm discovering so far: it doesn't really matter where you go and what you are doing; discontentment and depression come from within. You bring them with you.
I can be in the most favorable place for spiritual growth and still lose the opportunity.
Just because I came to Thailand and am away from civilization and worldly distractions, it doesn't mean that everything in my life is peaceful and joyous.
Maybe I needed to be away from the busyness so that I could clearly see the faults in my own character. Maybe I needed to come here to finally learn that God seeks to draw me out of my comfort zones so that I can truly begin to trust Him.
I didn't come here so that my friends back at home could read my blog and think of me as a great, self-sacrificing, adventurous person. I'm really not like that at all. I came here not because it was my idea, or because I thought I had something to offer, but because God asked me to go and I'm trying to accept by faith that His will is better than mine.
I guess the next step is to keep trusting that God is working in my life, though I don't feel like I'm becoming a better person.
But really, I won't become any better by searching myself out to see if I'm improving. The only way to truly grow is to focus my thoughts and words on Jesus and His perfection of character.
It looks like David experienced some of the same thoughts, and here is what he concluded:
"The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me:
thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever:
forsake not the works of thine own hands."
-Psalm 138:8
Allowing feelings of jealousy to corrupt my thoughts is against God's law, for He said that I shall not covet. I don't want to make God a liar, so I choose to believe just as David did. God really is perfecting my character through His enduring mercy. He won't forsake me because that's against His own character. God is here in Thailand, too.
Depression is blind, but
"The Lord openeth the eyes of the blind:
the Lord raiseth them that are bowed down:
the Lord loveth the righteous."
Psalms 146:8
Through faith in Jesus' blood, I am acknowledged as righteous before God, so this promise is mine.
It also belongs to anyone who chooses to believe it.
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