Reality

My blog has been fairly euphemistic and happy up until now. Not that I don't feel that way anymore, but my life just gained a new sense of reality and my writing is going to reflect that, whatever emotion comes up. My writing may get better, or it may get worse, but it's going to be real. Really me.

I’m swinging in a hammock in my bamboo/wooden hut at the near-top of the hill, looking down through the open window on the campus of Sunshine Orchards.

I’m trying to have my devotions, but I am finding it a little bit hard to concentrate because this is such an incredibly different place.

I slept on the floor; the hard floor. Under a mosquito net. With many strange, loud, jungle noises sounding all night long. Wondering if my hut has a giant lizard hanging out in the rafters like the chapel did. Will anything fall on me while I'm asleep? Will I wake up with dengue fever? Am I going to make it?

Just before the day breaks, while the night lingers, a chorus of lusty voices echoes up the valley and I wonder, “Who is up so early? And singing so loudly?”

Oh, it’s just the students. All 300+ of them, having morning worship in the chapel. At 5:30 am!

It’s Sabbath morning in Thailand.

I always prided myself on being adaptable and getting comfortable in a new place pretty quickly. Not that I can’t here, but it’s the most different place I have ever been to.

The closest thing I can compare it to is perpetual camping. The kids have no technology whatsoever, and they are all happy. I am realizing just how Americanized and selfish I have become.

I wonder:

What will I do when I’m bored?

What do I do when I just want to go inside and be comfortable?

Maybe those aren’t the real questions.

Maybe I am going to learn what real happiness is.

Maybe I’m going to learn what real peace and contentment is. 

Maybe I won’t want to leave this place.

Only 3 ½  months here. Such a short time that will probably feel like forever. 

I feel a little claustrophobic. A little dissatisfied. A little lonely.

But I’m not giving up. I can’t give up. I just got here yesterday.

I have to give myself time to adapt.

Do I wish for some things? Yes.

I wish my family could be here.

I wish you were here. 

I wish I could understand Karen, so I could interact better with the students. 

I wish my sleeping mat were a little bit thicker than woven grass.

Other than that, I’m not sure I really want anything else. I can deal without it easily enough.

I'll get used to sleeping on the floor. I'll get used to life in the jungle. I'll learn to speak some Karen.

But I don't know if I will get used to being separated from the people I wish I could share this experience with. I guess that's a part of life I'll just have to work around.

sigh. 

Life goes on?

Part of me doesn't.