No More Hiding
I have been at a loss of what to write about, so I've been trying to fill in the space with pictures of the adventurous life I'm living.
The truth is, I have a lot to say, but I'm too scared to say it. I'm startled to hear people say they read my blog, and I wonder why on earth I started one in the first place. Of course people read my blog; isn't that why I post on it? Well, yes, but...
I started a blog because I felt like it would help me gain the connectivity with people that I wasn't getting in face to face interactions.
I come across as an out-going person who has more connections than an airport, but the truth is that I constantly feel as if I'm in a glass box, wistfully looking out at a world I cannot seem to enter. I have lots of friends and a gift for intuitively understanding almost anyone I come across within a few minutes of observation. I can communicate with skill and can basically engage any audience I want. People admire my confidence.
But they don't know how lonely I am, inside my glass box.
People can see me and I can see them, but we remain separated by an invisible barrier - my pride and lack of trust.
I don't know how to let anyone get close to me. So I constantly run and hide, wishing that someone will intuitively understand me as I can understand them.
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| Me, when I was fourteen or fifteen. |
and afterwards whimpering, "Is it even possible for me to be understood?"
WELL, YES. Because I understand. I know there's at least me out here, if not a million other people who feel equally isolated.
They are probably also blogging, because it feels like they can safely share their truth with a computer screen.
I have a problem with being honest about myself. I have always treasured honesty in others, mostly because I can tell if they are lying, and I appreciate their courage to speak the truth.
But with myself...I'm too scared to be honest. I rationalize instead.
No one would understand anyway.
I don't want to take anyone down with me.
It's better if I just go away and hide...deal with it myself.
And I smile, "I'm fine!"
When I'm falling apart on the inside, and all I want is a reeeeeaally long hug.
So I hide, I agonize, I splinter into pieces and try to put myself back together again.
I guess I'm coming to the realization that emotions play a much bigger role in my thinking than I knew, and if I don't learn how to properly handle them, they will destroy me.
In fact, I've been sick for much of my life, purely from internalized emotions.
And now, after a clean bill of health from the doctor, I've got to face the facts: I'm not sick; I've got a monster of anxiety on my hands; a completely untamed beast that steals my joy and renders me basically of no use to society.
It's taken away my love for people, my confidence, my talents.
Instead of thinking about how I can help others, I constantly wonder who will hear me, find me, help me.
It's neurotic, extremely distressing, and I hate, hate, hate it. I want to be selfless. I want to care for others so much more than I do...but it all requires an energy that I don't have.
I'm going to be honest now.
I am not emotionally healthy, but I don't know how to let myself be helped. It's very shameful, in my thinking, to not be in control of your emotions. It's very frightening to admit that I have a problem here. It's much easier to keep hiding, keep pretending, keep dying on the inside.
It's not a conscious form of suicide, just a repression, a denial of myself as a normal person with needs. It's a kind of abuse I inflict on myself. Unnecessary suffering that hurts me so no one else can.
I withhold food from myself. I do not allow myself to cry, unless it's absolutely necessary to keep from losing sanity. I force myself to keep going, to ignore the problem, to pretend like it's not there.
And so I keep pushing myself farther and farther away, drowning in silence.
It keeps me from groups of people, from church, from cafeterias, from restaurants. The total emotional isolation is a punishment I choose for myself, to keep me from hurting others, and being hurt myself.
I know that most people cannot identify with my experience, but it's a hard fact to accept. I want to believe that anyone who reads this could comment, "I understand you completely. It's been there. I am there."
It hasn't happened yet; may never.
So I'm not writing this in hopes that someone will finally get me.
I'm writing because I'm tired of pretending that everything's ok, when it's not.
And for those few of you who can empathize, I'm here. I know you want out of your glass box. Maybe admitting you're in one is the first step to getting out, I don't know. I hope so.
There has to be a way out, a way to let yourself be known and loved without fear of betrayal and rejection. This can't be all God has planned for us. There is a whole other life out there, waiting for you.
Jesus knows what I don't know. He's all I have; the only One who could possibly save a girl like me from herself. All I can do is look to Him.
He's so far never made fun of me, never scolded me, never rejected me.
I believe He is trustworthy.
And I believe that He will heal my broken heart and set me free from the glass box.
If He will for me, He will for you too.
He will hear you, find you, hold you, heal you.
Don't wait for a guy or a girl to help you; no one's perfect enough to fix your brokenness, no one truly cares enough, no one knows enough. Go to Jesus with your damage.
Only He can heal.
And I believe He will, because He promised.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3
(I'm commenting anonymously because I guess I'm not exactly ready to share myself either. :P)
ReplyDeleteWow, Raquel. Thank you so much for your honesty!
I understand you, but in a different sense. Growing up there weren't many people for me to share my emotions with, and though I desperately craved understanding, the more I tried to share, the more misunderstood I became by my parents and friends. So I stopped altogether. Yes, girl, I understand the feeling of being in a glass box. People have tried to break through that glass box, but my reaction was always to fight back with anger and shut them out even more.
I don't know how to share my emotions because I can't even formulate them into words...when the emotions became too much I began learning how to shut them out. At this point I don't even know how to explain my emotions to anyone...so I shut out my own emotions, and welcome the emotions of others. People come to me with their problems, and because I treasure my friends so much, I do the best I can to help them heal. But the problem is that I don't know how to heal myself!
I've been learning, slowly, to trust the few of my friends who won't completely shut me out. I'll tell them when I'm upset or annoyed, but never my true emotions. My greatest fear is that they will find out who I really am-what I'm really like.
Honestly though, I don't know a way out-I don't know how to be known and loved and understood because every time I reached out for that love and understanding, I met with betrayal and rejection. But I do know that Jesus hears me, that He understands, and that I can always lean on Him. I know that even if no one on earth ever understands me, Jesus will, and He will never shun me.
So I guess all I can say is that while I don't know if anyone on earth will ever understand me or even try to, while I don't know if anyone will ever bother with me long enough to try to find out who I am, I know that Jesus knows me, and that one day, He will give me answers. :) For now, I am doing my best to wait on Him.
Oh my dear--hugs. And look at you doing just what you said you wouldn't do. ;) You are brave. I cannot say I understand 100%, but perhaps 95%. The blocking myself out, the anxiety, the punishing myself for feeling, all that--yep, yep, yep. God IS the only One who heals, but also I have seen Him put other people in my path as well, who can listen and who don't run away from me or fight back when I want to share. If you want to talk, you have my info. Courage, dear heart.
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